THE DUMMY

THE boy is understudy to the man. And most men tremendously at work playing their parts are comic spectacles — rather. How, then, shall a boy escape genial comedy when with great dignity and gravity he sets out to be the man? He can't. Harvey J. O'Higgins and Harriet Ford have caught this spirit in their detective play "The Dummy," excerpts of which we here use through the courtesy of the Play-producing Company. First came the mighty detective in his grown-up's play — now comes Barney Cook, the boy who would be a "detectuv."

   The comedy opens: two of the great Babbing's "reg'lar" detectives are in a room in the Hotel Antwerp, New York, where in the same hotel they are watching Cooper, the head of a kidnapping gang which has stolen little Beryl Meredith. Babbing has intercepted a cipher telegram to Cooper, and he must get hold of Cooper's code-book — also, he has advertised for an office boy whom, his assistants say, he doesn't need. Babbing enters with a boy carrying his bag. The boy has followed him all the way from his office to the hotel.

   Babbing—What were you doing in my office?
   Barney—I was waitin' wit' de bunch dat's lookin' for de job.
   Babbing—Well, why didn't you wait? Why did you offer to carry my bag down-stairs?
   Barney—T'ought I'd get a chance t' brace you fer de place.
   Babbing—Why didn't you brace me?
   Barney—Well — you — you acted as if you didn't see me.
   Babbing—How did you know who I was?
   Barney—I been deliverin' telegrams to your office an' —
   Babbing—For what company?
   Barney—For de Western Union.
   Babbing—Why have you left the Western Union?
   Barney—I wanted to work for you.
   Babbing—What's your name?
   Barney—Barney Cook.
   Babbing—Where do you live?
   Barney—'T home wit' my mudder.
   Babbing—Where does your mother live?
   Barney—Down 'n t'ree t'irteen, Hudson Street.
   Babbing—Where's your father?
   Barney—He's dead. He was a policeman. He was killed.
   Babbing—When?
   Barney—'Bout eight years ago.
   Babbing—What does your mother do?
   Barney—She — she takes care of us. Me and my sister.
   Babbing—What does she do with your father's pension?
   Barney—I dunno — spends it, I guess.
   Babbing—Do you smoke cigarets?
   Barney—(quickly) No, sir.
   Babbing—When did you quit?
   Barney—(doubtfully) Dis mornin'.
   Babbing—You can't work for me if you're going to smoke cigarets.
   Barney—Yes, sir — no, sir — I ain't 'dicted to it.
   Babbing—Why do you want to be an office boy?
   Barney—I don't — I want to be a detectuv.
   Babbing—Oh, you want to be a detectuv, do you?
   Barney—Yes, an' I t'ought maybe you'd gimme a chance after you'd got to know me.
   Babbing—Been reading Nick Carter stuff, have you?
   Barney—Yes, an' I know 'bout Sherlock Holmes, too.
   Babbing—Well, if I ever hear you mention either one of them in my office, I'll fire you.
   Barney—Are you goin' to take me on?
   Babbing—Maybe. You've got one thing to recommend you so far — the fact that you were able to follow me up here.
   Barney—I guess I shadowed you, didn't I?
   Babbing—Yes, like a fish after bait. I'd have lost you quick enough if I hadn't been looking for a boy. How much a week have you been making?
   Barney—'Bout six dollars, countin' tips.
   Babbing—That's a good deal, eh?
   Barney—Well, it don't go far when — you're growin'. It's no joke when you come to buying pants.
   Babbing—Legs are all right, for an office boy — you'll need 'em. The thing you don't need is a tongue. You've got to learn to keep your mouth shut. Think you can do it?
   Barney—Yes, sir, an' I can talk deaf and dumb.
   Babbing—Deaf and dumb?
   Barney—(illustrating) Yes—wit' my fingers.
   Babbing—Where did you learn to talk deaf and dumb?
   Barney—Dummy Jordon lives next to us.
   Babbing—You don't talk it with a Bowery accent, do you?
   Barney—No, sir. Will I go down to de office, now?
   Babbing—No. I have something for you here. (Fisher, Babbing's assistant, enters) Fisher, we'll have to make our plant to catch Cooper writing cipher message. Got that bell-boy's uniform?
   Fisher—Yes, sir.
   Babbing—Son, I'm going to send you into room 643 with a telegram. There's a man in there, registered as Marshall Cooper. Remember the name.
   Barney—Cooper.
   Babbing—You'll give the telegram to him, and say: "Any answer?" Watch him. It'll be a cipher telegram that'll look as if it had been received down-stairs. See what he does to make it out. He'll probably want to answer it. And if he does, you may have a chance to see how he makes up the answer. He has a writing table over at this window — here. If he sits down at it, he'll have his back to you. Try to see what he does. Don't try to do it by watching him quietly. He'd notice that. Move around and look at the pictures on the wall. Don't try to whistle — or anything of that fool sort. Act as if you were a bell-boy.

   When Barney returns from Cooper's room the code-book is with him. Great! But still Babbing is in the dark; then he has an idea.

   Babbing—Hold on, Fish. I've been thinking it wouldn't be a bad idea to have this boy kidnapped.
   Fisher—(nodding to Barney) Him?
   Babbing—Yes. He can talk deaf and dumb.
   Fisher—(looking wise) Yes, sir.
   Babbing—Do you get me?
   Fisher—Well, not exactly.
   Babbing—Look here, Fish. We'll send a cipher telegram to our Chicago office to be wired back here to Cooper — as if it came from his gang hidden somewhere in that city — telling him that a deaf and dumb boy — son of wealthy parents — is coming here on a certain train to be taken to the Deaf and Dumb Institution to get lessons in lip-reading and that he'll be in the care of a rather stupid man answering your description — (Barney smiles at Fisher, who glares back at him) — and if Cooper can pick him up it will be as easy as kidnapping a clam. That's the idea. We'll work out the details. You'll get on the train at Albany with Barney — and see that you leave him in the Grand Central waiting room when you go to look after your baggage. He'll have to be outfitted with clothes — and a suit-case — like a millionaire's son. We'll attend to that.
   Fisher—Yes sir.
   Babbing—Barney, you'll have to watch out with these people, you understand. They're dangerous. No matter what happens, don't make any outcry. If you get into a tight place, the fact that you're deaf and dumb may be all that will save you from serious trouble.
   Barney—Gee! Will dey gi' me de t'ird degree?
   Babbing—They may try to pump you. If they do, be as stupid as you know how. You're not supposed to be than half-witted anyway.
   Barney—Yes, sir!
   Babbing—This is a serious proposition, Barney. The life of this little girl may depend on you. And you'll get your throat cut if you aren't careful.
   Barney—(breathlessly) Yes, sir. Babbing—If they take you where she is, you must find some way to let me know she's there. We'll have a string on you. The house'll be covered. . . . Now change those clothes quick, Barney.
   Barney—Yes, sir! (he turns in a rapt way) Gee!—I'm a detectuv!

   BARNEY is kidnapped. Cooper's confederates are four: Rose Hart and her husband, Spider, Pat Geoghan and Sinker. These are holding Barney and Beryl in Spider's gambling-house. Spider has received a telegram warning him about Babbing. Rose has her own troubles: she's worn to a frazzle keeping an eye on that stupid, provoking dummy. Babbing having traced the gang to the gambling-house, comes disguised as a Mr. Barnes, who wants to buy it up.

   Spider—I got another offer for this place, Mr. Barnes. I don't intend to hold it at all.
   Babbing—Yes. I believe you.
   Geoghan—Well, it's the truth, Mr. Barnes. You don't think we'd try to deceive an intelligent man like yourself?
   Babbing—You're a bit of blarney, aren't you?
   Geoghan—I'll not conceal it from you — I am Irish — I used to have a bit of a brogue. But let me show the rest of the house. (exeunt Babbing and Geoghan)
   Spider—(moves quickly to the door and listens) Rose, I'm afraid we are in trouble. (looking at his telegram)
   Rose—What do you mean? Spider—This telegram is to warn us about Babbing. That fellow looks to me like he was stalling.
   Rose—Barnes?
   Spider—Yes, I don't like his looks. If he's one of Babbing's men, they're on to us.
   Rose—What will we do?
  

   BARNEY sticks — closer than a real detective. The gang, with Beryl and Barney — still very dumb — arrives at Spider's bungalow in the Catskills. Nobody's happy; the children fall asleep upon the window seats; Rose complains as she sets the table.

   Rose—If a woman only knew what she let herself in for when she adopted a husband — they're worse'n orphans.
   Spider—Aw, come out of it, Rose; you're all right.
   Rose—(pouring tea) Well, I'd about as soon be dead as not to be able to go back to New York. I just love Broadway. I don't suppose I'll ever see it again. (tearfully) You can eat now if you want to! — I wonder if I'd better wake up angel-face and feed her.
   Spider—Aw, leave her alone. Better for her to sleep. Get something into yourself, first.
   Rose—(filling her mouth) Well, I couldn't swallow a bite if I thought she was hungry.
   Spider—(eating) You sound like a Babbing talkin' through his gag.
   Geoghan—(cutting bread) Faith, I hope it puts a cramp in his face that'll give 'im lockjaw.
   Rose—Talk o' the devil an' he's sure to appear.
   Spider—Aw, we're moving too fast for Babbing.
   Rose—S'pose he finds out somehow that we own this place up here?
   Spider—Like to know who'd tell 'm. Nobody knows but Cooper an' Sinker.
   Rose—(aimlessly) Well — I don't know — I must say — (she is lifting her teacup; Spider is drinking; Geoghan is eating busily)
   Barney—(in his sleep) I'm a detective.
   Rose—(dropping her teacup nervously and listening. Geoghan lifts his head, then turns in his chair, looking toward Beryl. After a tense pause, Rose speaks)
   Rose—What's that?
   Spider—(drinking, has seemed not to hear) What's what?
   Rose—(breathlessly) Someone spoke! This place is haunted!
   Spider—(drinking again) Aw —–
   Rose—Keep still.
   Barney—(in his sleep) Here's de kid. I had her in me ear. (Spider puts down his cup and turns to look at Barney)
   Rose—(rising) It's the Dummy!
   Spider—What?
   Barney—(with a sigh) Gi' me a hot dog an' two bananas.
   Rose—He's talkin' — in his sleep!
   (Spider, springing up stage, seizes Barney)
   Rose—He can talk!
   Geoghan—Looks to me like a miracle.
   Spider—(to Barney) What've you been up to? You talk or I'll screw the arm off you! He's been stallin' on us!
   Rose—What have you been tryin' to put over, kid?
   Geoghan—Well, if he can talk in his sleep, maybe we'd better put him asleep again.
   Spider—I'll put him asleep. This game's up, kid. You explain yourself — or you start sayin' yer prayers! (he gives Barney a blow that sends him sprawling; then he goes to the fire-place, and puts a big poker into the blaze. Beryl, at Barney's fall, wakes up and sits watching with frightened eyes)
   Rose—Ain't he the limit!
   Spider—Bring him to me, Pat, I'll make him talk, or I will burn his long tongue out. (Geoghan grasps Barney and drags him up to Spider. Beryl gives a frightened cry)
   Rose—Piggy! If you're going to do anything like that, you take him out in the wood-shed.
   Spider—Aw, plug yer ears. (Beryl makes an outcry, clinging to Rose) Take the kid up-stairs. (Geoghan pulls Barney's coat off)
   Geoghan—Well, if you can talk, why don't you begin? What's detainin' you?
   Spider—(holding Barney by the collar, threateningly) Are you going to talk? Er d' you want us to make you yell first.
   Barney—I didn't know I could talk!
   Spider—(twisting his ear) You can hear a little too, eh?
   Barney—I didn't know I could hear.
   Spider—You cut that out! What've you been playin' deaf and dumb for?
   Barney—(rubbing his ear) I ain't been playing it. I've been deaf and dumb since I was a baby.
   Spider—You have, eh?
   Rose—What a little liar!
   Barney—No, I ain't, lady. I use to be able to talk, but I had scarlet fever—an' when I got better

   BARNEY is believed. Thereupon the kidnappers take to flight, leaving Barney and Beryl.

   Beryl—Oh — Oh
   Barney—You've got to dry up—the walkin' 's goin' to be wet enough.
   Beryl—(clinging to him) Oh, boy — boy —–
   Barney—What's de matter wit' you?
   Beryl—I haven't got any handkerchief.
   Barney—(pulling out his) Here! Wipe it up wit' dis. (he mops off her face)
   Beryl—(excitedly) What made them go? Why did they leave us here? What's going to happen to us?
   Barney—Aw, y' ought to be glad dey flew. De only t'ing I'm scared of is dey might come back.
   Beryl—(her arms about Barney) They said they would take me to my mother.
   Barney—Well, dey was lyin' to you.
   Beryl—(with another outburst) Oh, I want her! I want her!
   Barney—Well, gee, what you kickin' about? You don't want her any worse'n she wants you. Come on an' get somethin' t' eat. (Beryl gives way to an outburst of tears; Barney turns to her) We're goin' to her.
   Beryl—(brightening) Are we?
   Barney—(urging her to the table) Sure! Yuh don't t'ink we're goin' to set up housekeepin' here, do yer? We got to get back to New York, an' we got to make a start. Here, feed yer face. (giving her a piece of bread)
   Beryl—(pushing it away, crying) I'm not hungry.
   Barney—(eating) You will be before yeh get to de nex' free lunch. We got to carry all o' dis we can inside us — so we won't have so much in our hands. Gee, it's great to have your voice back.
   Beryl—(through her tears) When did you learn to talk?
   Barney—I could talk all de time. I'm a detective.
   Beryl—(sobbing) What's a detective?
   Barney—Oh, gee — don't girls know nuthin'? He's de guy dat does de work de cop gets paid for.

   BACK in the room in the Hotel Antwerp, New York, Fisher and Corcoran, another detective, are wondering what's happened to Barney. Spider and his gang have been captured, but there is no news about the children. Suddenly enters Barney — alone! Where's Beryl?

   Barney—I'm not makin' any reports to you.
   Corcoran—Listen here, kid. This office has had enough of your cheek. Have you come back here without that girl? Where is she?
   Barney—How do I know?
   Fisher—Have you lost her?
   Barney—You don't t'ink I t'rew her away do you?
   Corcoran—What d'you mean? Where is she? What's happened to her?
   Barney—(feeling his way) Well, I got her away from 'em when de gang beat it for Oswego. Well, I started to walk back wit' her. An' when I couldn't carry her no further, I left her alongside o' de, road 'nunder some bushes — an' I went to hunt up a farm-house and I couldn't find none — an' when I got back she wasn't there.
   Corcoran—If I was your age, I wouldn't face Babbing with that story. He'll sweat the starch out of you.
   Barney—I don't care. My feet are tired o' this detective bus'ness, anyway. He can gimme my time right now, if he wants to. (rubbing his legs)
   Corcoran—You'll get your time! You'll get a month in jail!
   Fisher—(looking at his watch) Come on, Cork. It'll be all day with us if we miss that train.
   Corcoran—Well, young man, I only wish you'd lasted long enough for me to get you out on a case.
   Barney—I don't work wit' no boobs. Go on an' don't stub your toe.
   Corcoran—(turning to Barney) Say! (but he and Fisher exeunt. Barney's manner changes the instant he is alone. He hurries down to the 'phone) Hello! Can you send some grub up to six-sixteen — Some grub — g-r-u-double b — quick! What? All right, den, send up the waiter. Save a lot o' legwork if dey'd send up de ice chest. (He opens the door and goes out cautiously, leaving the door slightly ajar. In a moment he returns, carrying Beryl asleep in his arms, he draws the door to with his foot. He staggers in slowly, and puts her into a chair) You're de missin' di'mon's all right. I don't show you to nobody but de boss. Dose boobs is awful anxious to edge in on me job, now we've got it done. All in, ain't you? (kneeling in front of her) Gimme me yer hoof, kid. Pretty near wore yer kicks off, ain't you?

   BARNEY telephones to Babbing and Beryl's father; and while waiting for them to come, he and Beryl go into an adjoining room to snatch a little sleep. Meanwhile enter Babbing and Mr. and Mrs. Meredith in answer to Barney's telephone message. Also, Spider and his gang are brought in, prisoners, proclaiming their innocence. Barney appears with Beryl.

   Babbing—Barney — these people tell me they didn't know the little girl had been kidnapped.
   Barney—Aw, pickles! Dey was beefin' about it all the time! And say, Mr. Babbing, dat crook Spider took five dollars from Does he get away with it?
   Babbing—Don't worry about that, Barney — you've got ten thousand more coming to you from Mr. Meredith for bringing back his daughter.
   Barney—Aw — quit yer kiddin'.
   Meredith—No — I'm quite serious about it — Barney.
   Babbing—Well, Barney, what's the first thing you're going to do with your wealth?
   Barney—Count it!

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