SHAKSPERE AT A DISCOUNT;
An Anachronism, in One Scene,

SCENE — MANAGER'S ROOM of the ROYAL OMNIUM GATHERUM THEATRE. — ADONIS HARDHEAD seated in an armchair smoking, with a cup of coffee on a table by his side, — SOFTLEY at writing-table with a pile of opened letters before him — APTER standing by fireplace, smoking cigarette.

HARDHEAD. — Well, Softley, what letters are there this morning?

SOFTLEY. — One hundred and twenty-six applications from ladies who, though "having had no dramatic experience," are anxious, "for your sake, to play Juliet at a matinée."

HARDHEAD. — That promises a series of attractions.

SOFTLEY. — Two hundred and sixty-four letters, more or less ill-spelt, from young men who, having failed in various professions, are anxious "to adorn the stage;" all promise "to dress well," and "do not require a salary of more than ten pounds a week to start with."

HARDHEAD. — That's their modesty: go on!

SOFTLEY. — A letter from His Serene Highness the Prince of Pumpernickel, asking for the best box to-morrow night.

HARDHEAD. — Confound his impudence! how many boxes has he had this season?

SOFTLEY (referring to Book). — Only twelve.

HARDHEAD. — Well, I suppose we must send it him. The Princess asked me to her last soirée: they might have asked me to dinner.

APTER. — Courage, mon cher; that will come in time.

SOFTLEY. — Another letter from Lord Augustus Hardup, asking for two good boxes or eight stalls.

HARDHEAD. — Does he think my theatre is made of paper? Has he taken anything for my benefit?

SOFTLEY. — No; but he told me he was going in Lottie Trevor's box.

HARDHEAD. — Mean skunk! send him two dress circles.

SOFTLEY. — But won't he be insulted?

HARDHEAD. — Not a bit of it: he'll give them to his washerwoman as payment on account. What next?

SOFTLEY. — Another letter from Mr. Shakspere, asking that his tragedy of "Hamlet" may be returned to him if not accepted. He adds, in a postcript, that this is the fiftieth letter he has written in the last month.

HARDHEAD. — Capital exercise for him in patience and composition. (To APTER.) Have you read the piece?

APTER. — Oui, mon cher, ce n'est pas mal.

HARDHEAD. — For heaven's sake talk English; you know you can when you try. Is there any money in it?

APTER. — That depends on circumstances: if you let me touch it up a bit, and if you put it on the stage properly, and advertise it well, it might run.

HARDHEAD (to SOFTLEY). — Have you read it?

SOFTLEY. — Yes, there are some good lines in it; but its very heavy.

HARDHEAD. — Ah! wants cutting? I can do that.

APTER. — Pardon, mon cher — I mean that's my department.

HARDHEAD. — Who is he?

APTER. — He's clever; one or two of his pieces have had a fair run at the Globe.

HARDHEAD. — That don't say much for them. Has he got any influence?

APTER. — The critics speak well of him. He was elected at the Garrick and the Beefsteak the other day. Some people (stroking his moustache) call him a poet.

HARDHEAD. — Bother your poets: they never draw.

SOFTLEY. — He's a great friend of Lord Southampton.

HARDHEAD. — Is he? that's something in his favour.

SOFTLEY. — By the way (reading memorandum tablet), he's got an appointment this morning.

HARDHEAD. — Well, I suppose we'd better see him.

(Enter MESSENGER with card).

MESSENGER. — Gentleman waiting below; says he's got an appointment.

HARDHEAD (taking card). — Talk of the devil! the very man. (To MESSENGER) Show him up. (Exit MESSENGER). I want some¬ thing novel; farcical comedies are played out; and now that Lottie insists upon wearing clothes that come halfway down to her knee, burlesque seems on its last legs.

APTER. — They're not bad legs, still. ( Re-enter MESSENGER ushering in Mr. SHAKSPERE).

(Exit MESSENGER).

HARDHEAD (to SHAKSPERE) — Sit down, my dear boy. You have come about that tragedy of yours; Hamlet, I think you called it? (to SOFTLEY) Where's the MS?

SOFTLEY (taking MS. from drawer). — Here, sir.

HARDHEAD (looking at MS.). — Ah, I see, five acts. Dear me! Couldn't you put it into three?

SHAKSPERE. — No, I am afraid I could not, without spoiling the piece.

HARDHEAD. — It will want a deal of cutting, if we do play it.

SHAKSPERE. — I have no objections to some passages being omitted.

APTER. — It wants writing up in parts; (to Hardhead) I could do that.

SHAKSPERE. — Thank you. If it wants writing up, I prefer doing it myself.

HARDHEAD (looking through MS.). — The first act is far too long. What do you want all this stuff at the end for?

SHAKSPERE. — Well, it is necessary to the play.

HARDHEAD. — I don't see it. Here's a capital point for a cut. The Ghost says, "Brief let me be." There you are; you need only let him tell Hamlet that his father has been murdered, and down comes the curtain.

APTER. — Yes; you could have the murder seen through a transparency — very good effect.

SHAKSPERE. — Pardon me. I think you will find that what follows is somewhat necessary to the scheme of the play.

HARDHEAD. — Oh, that doesn't matter, if we can get an effect. You have read the piece carefully, Mr. Apter?

APTER. — Yes; it's not so bad; but you want a French company to play it properly.

SHAKSPERE. — The piece is written in English. I think, as a rule, Englishmen pronounce their own language better than Frenchmen!

APTER. — Ah, my dear fellow! but they can't act.

SHAKSPERE. — There I differ from you.

APTER. — Very weak part, Ophelia! Mrs. Plantaganet Rose would never play it.

SHAKSPERE. — I do not think that she could.

HARDHEAD. — She'd want two or three love scenes written in.

SHAKSPERE. — There is no room for them. Hamlet is the chief part in the tragedy.

HARDHEAD. — Yes, my dear boy; but men don't draw; women do.

SHAKSPERE. — That depends how they are dressed. Ophelia does not wear tights.

HARDHEAD. — But she ought to; couldn't you disguise her as a boy, as you did in some of your other pieces?

SHAKSPERE. — No; it would not suit the character at all.

HARDHEAD. — Oh, bother the character! I'm thinking of the public. Supposing we accept your piece, Mr. Shakspere, of course you will alter it a good deal.

SHAKSPERE. — I think I would rather not. The tragedy has cost me a good deal of thought, and I believe in its present form it is a good play, or I should not offer it to you.

HARDHEAD. — Well, you know, that is a matter of opinion. I think there are some things in it the Lord Chamberlain would not pass.

SHAKSPERE. — Possibly; but I thought now the censor was not so particular. You have played some pieces here that contain passages far stronger than anything you will find in my play, and spoken by women in costumes I should scarcely call modest.

HARDHEAD. — Oh, that's quite a different thing! We don't mind anything strong, if it's properly disguised; but your satire here in parts is — if you will allow me to say so — rather too coarse and open.

SHAKSPERE. — Ah, I see; what you speak on the stage now must be decently clothed: it is only the speakers that may be unclothed.

HARDHEAD. — Well, we'll drop that subject. (To SOFTLEY): Is there any scenery we could work into this play?

SOFTLEY. — I don't know, sir.

HARDHEAD. — I must get in that blue and white china I picked up so cheap the other day. (Looking again at MS.) You could introduce that, I suppose, Mr. Shakspere, in the Queen's chamber in the third act.

SHAKSPERE. — Well, I never devoted much thought to that subject. I fancy the interest of the audience will be centred upon what is said and done in that scene; and not upon the china there may be on the walls or on the tables.

HARDHEAD. — Now, there you're wrong. Nothing like real china to carry off a play. — There doesn't seem to be any ballet in the piece.

APTER. — Oh, that could be easily introduced.

SHAKSPERE. — Pardon me, I do not think so.

APTER. — Oh, yes! In the fourth act when Ophelia comes on, you might cut out all that talk between the King and Laertes, and put a ballet in its place.

HARDHEAD. Yes, and bring down the curtain upon an effective picture of Ophelia's suicide; that would be much better.

APTER. — Then the last act ought to be altered; lar too much dying in it; it is a regular battue of all the characters.

HARDHEAD. — The public are getting tired of stage deaths.

APTER. — I don't see why the piece should not end happily. Ophelia might be saved; Hamlet might marry her, and end with a grand coronation scene. I could write that in.

HARDHEAD. — Yes, I bought some music cheap the other day — would come in there capitally.

APTER. — Then I think Mr. Shakspere ought to write a part in for Lottie, she is such a favourite.

HARDHEAD. — Of course, I forgot that. She would not play the Queen — unless she had a dance.

APTER. — No; but a lively waiting-maid might be introduced with plenty of chic; Laertes might have sent her over as a present from Paris; and she could introduce a song and dance in the third act.

SHAKSPERE. — Have you any other suggestions to offer?

HARDHEAD. — Yes; the gravedigger — not a bad idea that gravedigger — he might have a topical song — Jimmy Gag could write that himself.

APTER. — Don't you think there might be an entertainment instead of that heavy play-scene? Then we might get in those Brothers Fantoccini we saw in Paris, with their clever imitation of animals.

SHAKSPERE. — You seem to forget this is a tragedy.

HARDHEAD. — Not a bit of it, my dear boy. That's the thing most against it. (Giving MS. to SHAKSPERE.) You had better look it over, and alter it on the lines we have suggested. Of course I shall expect my name to appear as joint-author. Bring it back in a month or two, and we will see what we can do with it.

SHAKSPERE. — Thank you. You have had the piece for two years, and I have never succeeded in getting an answer to one of my letters, nor in seeing you or your advisers till to-day. I write my pieces not for the purpose of introducing ballets, or blue and white china, or young ladies with chic — whatever that may be — or topical songs. I am vain enough to think that there is yet a sufficiently large number of intelligent persons amongst the British public who care to listen to what is worth hearing for itself, and not merely for the surroundings. I am very much obliged to you, gentlemen, for the suggestions you have so kindly made; but I prefer to keep my piece as it is; and I have no doubt, in time, I shall find a manager who has brains enough to accept it. Good bye.

(Curtain.)