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At the very instant when Lord de Viperous is about to seize her in his arms,
Madeline turns upon him and exclaims in icy tones. "Titled
villain that you are, unhand me!"
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"Boots and Beef"
Heroines and Others
By Stephen Leacock
(1869-1944)
Illustrated by F. Strothmann
(1872-1958)
"WHAT
are you reading?" I
asked the other day of a
blue-eyed boy of ten, curled
up among the sofa-cushions.
He held out the book for
me to see.
"Dauntless Ned among the Cannibals," he
answered.
"Is it exciting?" I inquired.
"Not very," said the child in a matter-of-fact
tone. "But it's not bad."
I took the book from him and read aloud at
the opened page:
"In a compact mass the gigantic savages
rushed upon our hero, shrieking with rage and
brandishing their huge clubs. Ned stood his
ground fearlessly, his back to a banana-tree.
With a sweep of his cutlass he severed the head of
the leading savage from his body, while with a
back stroke of his dirk he stabbed another to the
heart. But resistance against such odds was
vain. By sheer weight of numbers Ned was
borne to the ground. His arms were then
pinioned with stout ropes made of the fiber of
the boobooda tree. With shrieks of exultation
the savages dragged our hero to an opening in the
woods where a huge fire was burning, over which
was suspended an enormous caldron of bubbling
oil. 'Boil him, boil him!' yelled the savages,
now wrought to the point of frenzy."
"That seems fairly exciting, isn't it?" I said.
"Oh, he won't get boiled," said the little boy.
"He's the hero."
So I knew that the child had already taken his
first steps in the disillusionment of fiction.
Of course he was quite right as to Ned. This
wonderful youth, the hero with whom we all
begin our acquaintance with books, passes
unhurt through a thousand perils. Cannibals,
Apache Indians, war, battles, shipwrecks, leave
him quite unscathed. At the most Ned gets a
flesh wound which is healed, in exactly one
paragraph, by that wonderful drug called a "simple."
But the most amazing thing about this particular
hero, the boy Ned, is the way in which he
turns up in all the great battles and leading
events of the world.
It was Ned, for example, who, at the critical
moment at Gettysburg turned in his saddle to
General Meade and said quietly: "General, the day is
ours." "If it is," answered Meade, as he folded
his field-glass, "you alone, Ned, have saved it."
In the same way Ned was present at the crossing
of the Delaware with Washington. Thus:
"What do you see, Ned?" said Washington,
as they peered from the leading boat into the
driving snow.
"Ice," said Ned. "My boy," said the great
American General, and a tear froze upon his
face as he spoke, "you have saved us all!"
Here is Ned at Runnymede when King John
with his pen in hand was about to sign the Magna
Carta:
"For a moment the King paused irresolute,
the uplifted quill in his hand, while his crafty,
furtive eyes indicated that he might yet break
his plighted faith with the assembled barons.
"Ned laid his mailed hand upon the parchment.
"'Sign it,' he said sternly, 'or take the
consequences!' The King signed.
"'Ned,' said the Baron de Bohun, as he removed
his iron vizor from his bronzed face, 'thou hast
this day saved all England.'"
IN
the stories of our boyhood in which Ned
figured there was no such thing as a heroine, or
practically none. At best she was brought in
as an afterthought. It was announced on page
three hundred and one
that at the close of
Ned's desperate adventures
in the West Indies
he married the beautiful
daughter of Don Diego,
the Spanish governor
of Portobello; or else,
at the end of the great
war with Napoleon, that
he married a beautiful and
accomplished French girl
whose parents had
perished in the Revolution.
Ned generally married
away from home. In
fact, his marriages were
intended to cement the
nations, torn asunder by
Ned's military career.
But sometimes he
returned to his native town,
all sunburned, scarred and
bronzed from battle (the
bronzing effect of being in
battle is always noted); he
had changed from a boy to
a man; that is, from a boy of
fifteen to a man of sixteen.
In such a case Ned marries
in his own home town. It
is done after this fashion:
"But who is this who
advances smiling to greet him
as he crosses the familiar
threshold of the dear old
house? Can this tall, beautiful
girl be Gwendoline, the child-playmate of
his boyhood?"
Well, can it? I ask it of every experienced
reader can it or can it not?
"Ned" had his day in the boyhood of each of
us. We presently passed him by. I am speaking,
of course, of those of us who are of maturer years
and can look back upon thirty or forty years of
fiction reading. "Ned" flourishes still, I
understand, among the children of to-day. But now
he flies in airplanes, and dives in submarines, and
gives his invaluable military advice to General
Joffre and General Pershing.
But with the oncoming of adolescent years,
something softer was needed than Ned with his
howling cannibals and his fusillade of revolver
shots.
So the "Ned" of the Adventure Books was
supplanted by the Romantic Heroine of the
Victorian Age and the Long-Winded Immaculate
who accompanied her as the Hero.
I do not know when these two first opened their
twin careers. Whether Fenimore Cooper or
Walter Scott began them I cannot say. But they
had an undisputed run on two continents for half
a century.
This Heroine was a sylph. Her chiefest charm
lay in her physical feebleness. She was generally
presented to us in some such words as these:
"Let us now introduce to our readers the fair
Madeline of Rokewood. Slender and graceful
and of a form so fragile that her frame seemed
scarce fitted to fulfil its bodily functions . . . she
appeared rather as one of those ethereal beings
of the air, who might visit for a brief moment
this terrestrial scene, than one of its earthly
inhabitants. Her large, wondering eyes looked
upon the beholder in childlike innocence."
Sounds simple, doesn't it? One might suspect
there was something wrong with the girl's brain.
But listen to this:
"The mind of Madeline, elegantly formed by
the devoted labors of the venerable Abbé, her
tutor, was of a degree of culture rarely found in
one so young. Though scarce eighteen summers
had flown over her head at the time when we
introduce her to our readers, she was intimately
conversant with the French, Italian, Spanish and
Provençal tongues. The abundant page of
history, both ancient and modern, sacred and
profane, had been opened for her by her devoted
instructor. In music she played with exquisite
grace and accuracy upon both the spinet and the
harpsichord, while her voice, though lacking
something in compass, was sweet and melodious
to a degree."
From such a list of accomplishments it is clear
that Madeline could have matriculated even at
the Harvard Law School with five minutes'
preparation. Is it any wonder that there was a
wild rush for Madeline? In fact, right after the
opening description of the Heroine, there follows
an ominous sentence such as this:
"It was this exquisite being whose person
Lord Rip de Viperous, a man whose reputation
had shamed even the most licentious court of the
age, and had led to his banishment from the
presence of the king, had sworn to get within his
power."
Personally I don't blame Lord Rip a particle;
it must have been very rough on him to have
been banished from the presence of the king
enough to inflame a man to do anything.
With two such characters in the story the
plot and adventures followed as a matter of
course. Lord Rip de Viperous pursues the
Heroine. But at every step he is frustrated.
He decoys Madeline to a ruined tower at
midnight, her innocence being such and the gaps left
in her education by the Abbé being so wide,
that she is unaware of the danger of ruined
towers after ten-thirty P.M.
In fact, "tempted by the exquisite
clarity and fulness of the moon, which
magnificent orb at this season spread its
widest effulgence over all Nature, she
accepts the invitation of her would-be
betrayer to gather upon the battlements
of the ruined keep the strawberries which
grew there in wild profusion."
But at the critical moment Lord de
Viperus is balked. At the very instant
when he is about to seize her in his arms
Madeline, turns upon him and says in
such icy tones, "Titled villain that you
are, unhand me!" that the man is
"cowed." He slinks down the ruined
stairway "cowed." And at every later
turn, at each renewed attempt, Madeline
"cows" him in like fashion.
Moreover, while Lord de Vinerous is
being thus "cowed" by Madeline, the
heroine, he is also being "dogged" by
the Hero. This counterpart of Madeline
who shared her popularity for fifty years
can best be described as the Long-Winded
Immaculate Hero. Entirely blameless in
his morals and utterly virtuous in his
conduct, he possessed at least one means of
defending himself. He could make
speeches. This he did on all occasions.
With these speeches he "dogged" Lord
de Viperous. Here is the style of
them:
"'My lord,' said Markham . . .
[incidentally let it be explained that
this particular brand of hero was always
known by his surname and his surname
was always Markham] 'My lord, the
sentiments that you expose and the
demeanor which you have evinced are
so greatly at variance with the title that
you bear and the lineage from which you
spring that no authority that you can
exercise and no threats that you are able
to command shall deter me from
expressing that for which, however poor
and inadequate my powers of speech,
all those of whom and for what I am
what I am, shall answer to it for the
integrity of that, which, whether or not,
is at least as it is. My lord, I have
done. Or shall I speak more plainly
still?'"
Is it to be wondered that after this
harangue Lord Rip sank into a chair, a
hideous convulsion upon his face,
murmuring "It is enough!"
But successful as they were as Hero
and Heroine, Markham and Madeline
presently passed off the scene. Where
they went to I do not know. Perhaps
Markham got élected to the legislature
of Massachusetts. At any rate they
disappeared from fiction.
There followed, in place of Madeline,
the athletic, sunburned heroine with
the tennis racket. She was generally
called Kate Middleton, or some such
plain, straightforward designation. She
wore strong walking boots and leather
leggings. She ate beefsteak. She shot
with a rifle.
For a while this Boots-and-Beef
Heroine (of the middle nineties) made a
tremendous hit. She climbed crags in the
Rockies. She threw steers in Colorado
with a lariat. She came out strong in
sea scenes and shipwrecks and on sinking
steamers where she "cowed" the
trembling stewards and "dogged" the
mutinous sailors in the same fashion
that Madeline used to "cow" and Markham
used to "dog" Lord Rip de Viperous.
With the Boots-and-Beef Heroine went
as her running-mate the out-of-doors
man, whose face had been tanned and
whose muscles had been hardened into
tempered steel in wild rides over the
pampas of Patagonia, and who had
learned every art and craft of savage life
by living among the wild Hoodoos of the
Himalayas. This Air-and-Grass Man,
as he may be called, is generally supposed
to write the story. . . . He was "I" all
through. And he had an irritating
modesty in speaking of his own prowess.
Instead of saying straight out that he
was the strongest and bravest man in
the world, he implied it indirectly on
every page.
Here, for example, is a typical scene
in which "I" and Kate figure in a
desperate adventure in the Rocky
Mountains, pursued by Indians.
"We" are about to descend on a single
cord from the summit of a lefty crag,
our sole chance of escape (and a frightfully
small chance at that) from the
roving band of Apaches.
"With my eye I measured the fearsome
descent below us.
"'Hold fast to the line, Miss Middleton,'
I said, as I set my foot against a
projecting rock." [Please note that the
Air-and-Grass Hero in these stories
always calls the Heroine Miss Middleton,
right up to the very end.]
"The noble girl seized the knotted end
of the buckskin line. 'All right, Mr.
Smith,' she said with quiet confidence.
"I braced myself for the effort. My
muscles like tempered steel responded
to the strain. I lowered a hundred
fathoms of the line. I could already
hear the voice of Kate far down the cliff.
"'Don't let go the line, Miss Middleton,'
I called. [Here was an excellent
piece of advice.]
"The girl's clear voice floated up to
me . . . 'All right, Mr. Smith,' she
called, 'I won't!'"
Of course they landed safely at the
foot of the cliff, after the manner of all
heroes and heroines. And here it is that
Kate in her turn comes out strong, at
their evening encampment, frying bacon
over a blazing fire of pine branches,
while the firelight illuminates her leather
leggings and her rough but picturesque
costume.
The circumstances might seem a little
daring and improper. But the reader
knows that it is all right, because the
hero and heroine always call one another
Miss Middleton and Mr. Smith.
Not till right at the end, when they
are just getting back again to the confines
of civilization, do they depart from this.
Here is the scene that happens: The
hero and heroine are on the platform of
the wayside dépôt where they are to
part . . . Kate to return to the luxurious
home of her aunt, Mrs. Van der Kyper
of New York, and the Air-and-Grass
Man to start for the pampas of
Patagonia to hunt the hoopoo. The Air-and-Grass
Man is about to say good-by.
Then..."'Kate,' I said, as I held
the noble girl's gloved hand in mine a
moment. She looked me in the face
with the full, frank, fearless gaze of a
sister.
"'Yes?' she answered.
"'Kate,' I repeated, 'do you know
what I was thinking of when I held the
line while you were half-way down the
cliff?'
"'No,' she murmured, while a flush
suffused her cheek.
"'I was thinking, Kate,' I said, 'that
if the rope broke I should be very sorry.'
"'Edward!' she exclaimed. I clasped
her in my arms.
"'Shall I make a confession?" said
Kate, looking up timidly, a few minutes
later, as I tenderly unclasped the noble
girl from my encircling arms . . . 'I was
thinking the same thing too.'"
SO
Kate and Edward had their day
and then, as Tennyson says, they
"passed," or, as less-cultivated people
put it, "they were passed up in the air."
As the years went by they failed to
please. Kate was a great improvement
upon Madeline. But she wouldn't do.
The truth was, if one may state it openly,
Kate wasn't tough enough. In fact, she
wasn't tough at all. She turned out to
be in reality just as proper and just as
virtuous as Madeline.
So, too, with the Air-and-Grass Hero.
For all of his tempered muscles and his
lariat and his Winchester rifle, he was
presently exposed as a fraud. He was
just as Long-Winded and just as Immaculate
as the Victorian Hero that he
displaced.
What the public really wants and has
always wanted in its books is wickedness.
Fiction was recognized in its infancy as
being a work of the devil.
So the popular novel, despairing of
real wickedness among the cannibals,
and in the ruined tower at midnight, and
on the open air of the prairies, shifted
its scenes again. It came indoors. It
came back to the city. And it gave us
the new crop of heroes and heroines and
scenes and settings with which the Fiction
of To-day has replaced the Heroes and
Heroines of Yesterday. The Lure of the
City is its theme. . . . It pursues its
course to the music of the ukelele in the
strident racket of the midnight cabaret.
Here moves the Harvard graduate in
his dinner-jacket, drunk at one in the
morning . . . Here is the hard face of
Big Business scowling at its desk and
here the glittering Heroine of the hour
in her dress of shimmering sequins,
making such tepid creatures as
Madeline and Kate look like the small
change out of a twenty-five-cent
shin-plaster.
"Wine and Women" is the standing
title of to-day.
And of these, if health, the weather,
and the Editor of this magazine permit,
I will discourse on a later occasion.