HARD cash passes between a very able seaman and a turf enthusiast with hayseed in his hair.

I    DON'T suppose that Jimmy would ever have been king if it hadn't been fer me getting on the outside of a punk banana. But between that Oslerized piece of fruit and the leaky old tub that we happened to be in, rambling along the coasts of Cuba and South America, or some of them places, I landed a case of maldameer and had to turn in. The minute I hit the sheets one or two of Jimmy's wheels threw off the belt and got busy buzzing.

      You see, Jimmy and me had cleaned up a bunch of coin on the track, and it was up to us, as capitalists, to get rid of part of it. The one way that we hadn't tried was the ocean.

      "I ain't nowise foolish about Europe, England, the Red Mill of Paris, or golluf links at Cairo, Egypt," says Jimmy, "but I certainly could learn to love the equator.

      "That's the place where you only work three hours a day whether you want to or not, and with your kind permission, Mr. Martin," says he in his politest style, which never comes unless Jimmy has money, "we will charter a private yacht and sail the saline fer a few weeks around about the tropics of Capricorn, whatever they are."

      When Jimmy gets a geographical fit you might as well hold up both hands and say yes to anything he wants, fer if you tried to argue him out of it you'd only waste time and make him add to the length of his excursion.

      So we chartered the private yacht, which was a fruit-boat that joggled around regular in the slop between New York and Havana, and started out to spend. We did it all right, too, although there was others aboard the private yacht besides us — especially several big tarantulas.

      When I passed up interest in everything except three square feet of solid earth which I longed fer and couldn't reach, Jimmy gets next to the main squeeze, who claims he is the captain, though the most numerous and bossiest thing around that boat was the smell. Of course I didn't hear none of the perambulating conversation, but it didn't take me long to get wise to the fact that Jimmy had a bee in his bonnet as big as a buffalo.

      When I finally reached deck again, several pounds lighter and needing a few pink pills, it wasn't ten minutes before James had his arm around me; and leading me to the quietest part of that old scow, somewhere near its waist-line, he says, in the same kind of a voice that the leading man uses when he is starting to tell the pretty lady how he got his start in life:

      "Billy, my boy, I am going to be a king!"

      "Jimmy Raines," says I, "you will be a dirty deuce if you don't quit collapsing my stummick against my ribs."

      "I am going to be a king," continues Jimmy, without so much as loosening up one inch of that strangle-holt he had on my basket of bones, "and see what it feels like to rule something besides a race-track form-sheet!"

      "Jimmy," says I, "you're conversing like an animated string of fish. Anybody that knows you could tell a block away you've got all the foolish factories in the country beat to a pulp, when it comes to handing out dopy talk."

      Jimmy took a fresh holt on my arm. "A man," says he, waving his left mitt around in front of me, and taking in not only the boat and smell, but the water that was going to waste all about us, a man with subjects, and a crown and prime minister and exchequer —   Say, Billy, what is an exchequer, anyway?" he breaks in on his own pipe-dream.

      "It's something that you never had," says I, "and I don't notice no symptoms that you are ever going to catch it, unless I can git you back to land, and in an institution with walls around it."

      "Just the same," says Jimmy, "me and the cap. have come to an amicable agreement, and I have bought a kingdom."

      I pries myself loose from Jimmy, and holds him off to get a better look at him.

      "Ready-made, I suppose?" says I.

      "Yep," says he; "ready-made, but guaranteed to fit as good as a specially built one."

      "How much did you pay?" I asks.

      "One thousand dollars," says he, throwing out his chest like a thou. wasn't worth stooping to pick up.

      "It's on a nice little island not very far from here, and it is all running over with Spinachers and people that left the States on account of their health. At least, they don't go back there fer that reason. All I have to do is to have a triumphal entry and commence to reign."

      "More likely," says I, "your triumphal entry will turn out to be a dark hallway, and as fer reigning, this climate here don't need assistance."

      "Let me tell you, Billy Martin," says he some haughty, "if you want to belong to this here new dynasty, you have got to show me more respeck. It wouldn't do you no harm to begin calling me Mr. King, right now."

      Ain't it the limit how a man will get all blowed up with just one little idea to furnish the gas? There was there was my partner, that two months before was panhandling with me fer grub around Latonia, going fer that king business like a fish after a fly.

      But I knows Jimmy, and how to take him.

      "Mr. King," says I, very solemn, "your royal highness is apt to have his face pushed in unlessen he returns to his stateroom, which is adjacent to them two mules in stalls right under this here floating porch. When you come to, you can ramble back here and talk to me, but until then I am too busy to entertain lunatics."

      Then I walks away from him as dignified as I kin, not having much in my insides to rest dignity on, and didn't see Jimmy no more until the next day, when I sighted him and the cap. in the cabin having a long talk.

      Me not being in the game, I goes up on deck, where I notices we are catching up with a clumsy sort of island.

      When we gets within a couple of blocks of it one of the sailors gets orders to throw the anchor and spike the boat to the bottom of the ocean. The cap. hustles up-stairs and gets into his official flatboat and is rowed ashore.

      When he comes back in an hour, Jimmy percolates out on deck again, rigged up absolutely scandalous. He looked like a cross between a bearded lady and a chromo of the late Mr. Nero, wearing all kinds of medals, and slazy stuff stuck around on him. He was worse than any Christmas card you ever saw.

      "This," says he, "is my king costume. Take off your hat."

      I done so because I can always laugh better with my hat off.

      Then he sashays to the side and jumps into the flatboat, and the sailors paddles him over to his kingdom.

      Being sure that Jimmy would come to his right senses before long, I decides to see the game through, so I joined out with him and got in the push that was waiting to receive him at the dock.

      The cap. made some spiel in a language that sounded like chop suey tastes, and that varigated bunch of kingless people falls down on their knees and waves their arms around, the same as if they was all getting the grip. Then they made room fer Jimmy, and he walks up the main street of the village with his crown on lopsided and most of his costume trailing behind in the mud.

      Him being the hearse, I didn't feel like keeping too close, so I trails behind.

      Some old sinner with kinky hair and a line of talk like a phonograph turned backward shows Jimmy the way. Inside of ten minutes Mr. James Raines was sitting on a oak chair under a canopy made out of palm-leaves, and being crowned "Bobo III".

      A wild and woolly orchestra, with instruments consisting principally of dented tin cans and wash-boilers, adds to the horror of this occasion; but to Mr. King Raines it all listened good, and the cap. puts the crown on Jimmy's head.

      Then one of the official tattooers of the island comes along, and the cap. explains that Jimmy is to have his title marked on his arm to keep his identity, in case he ever has to be sent to the laundry. I didn't think Jimmy would stay asleep now, but the idea of being king had made him plumb foolish. He strips up his black-and-yellow shirt-sleeve to his shoulder, and says, with a wave of his hand:

      "Proceed! Place my kingly title upon my kingly arm."

      I didn't reckon the old gazabo knowed what he was talking about, but he got busy with his needles and little ink-pots, and pretty soon Bobo the Three was labeled, ready to be delivered.

      From the king's chair Jimmy was conducted over to the palace, which was three sheds pushed together and propped up with poles. Then the excited populace, amounting to at least three hundred people, I calculated, did some more kotowing and backed away, leaving Bobo III by himself, with the exception of a man who had once been known by the name of Billy Martin and the sailor fellow who had sold him his job.

      "Martin," says Jimmy, still about four stories above me in his talk, "you may kiss our royal hand."

      "Jimmy," says I, "it would do me a lot more good to black your royal eyes, except that I don't want to break my fist against a block of wood."

      "Martin," says he, very stern and kinglike, "such remarks from one of my hirelings is not in order."

      "They may not be in order, Jimmy," I replies, "but they will bubble out. Not being a king myself, I've still got to talk United States unlessen you get me a fat job."

      "Cap.," says Jimmy, "what sort of a position do you imagine that our ignorant friend here could fill?"

      The cap. scratched his head. Then he says:

      "Your royal highness, the army needs a leader, and I suggest, with all due humbleness, that Mr. Martin be put in charge."

      "Done," says Bobo III, dropping back to his senses for a minute, "you're it, Billy. After we have taken our royal dinner we will proceed to have the army paraded in front of us, and we will then announce your appointment."

      The dinner that we got didn't strike me as being nowise royal, but not being a king, I suppose I wasn't a good judge. It was principally sweet potatoes and grease, with a few overripe birds of some kind stewed in between.

      There was plenty of style, however, such as bowing and scraping on the part of the courtiers, and if Jimmy had been able to connect with his exchequer that he had talked so much about, I reckon they would have had some tips.

      But fer a man who had just finished a short, discouraging session with maldameer, the grub wasn't particularly pleasing.

      I reckon if I had had a better meal I would have took to the general idea quicker, but when they paraded the army immediately following the festivities around the board, I begun to get cold feet on the job.

      First there was the royal orchestra, beating up some Wagnerian music to a froth. Walking slow behind them was a mule with saddles enough to do fer four or five war-horses, and behind the mule come the army. I took a look, and then I turns to Jimmy.

      "Excuse me," says I, "but I don't like the make-up of the troop. He ain't husky enough fer me." Fer the Bobo army was one skinny chocolate individual, carrying a musket upside down, and looking like he would rather eat than fight.

      Is he all there is of it, cap.?" says the new king, kind of hurt and surprised both, "because if he is, I am afraid it won't keep General Martin busy drilling it!"

      "Looks to me," says I, "like it would keep me busy keeping him awake."

      "The rest of the army," says the cap., "had to go home because his mother was sick, but he will be back in case there is any wars to be fought between now and sundown."

      "That being the case," I remarked, "I will not take charge of the troops. I refuse to rob any kindergartens in order to get sensations fer the newspapers; so, Mr. King, be kind enough to count me out."

      "General," replies Jimmy, "I must decline to accept your resignation. You have been appointed to this office, and you have got to hold it down, even if you use staples."

      The cap. was getting ready to go back to the boat, and I thinks it is about time fer me to be hiking too, especially if Jimmy insists on my riding that lopsided mule; but as I starts to join out with the cap. I got sight of a bunch of girls, and a happy thought come to me like a comic valentine.

      "Cap.," says I, in his ear, "what is that collection of dizzy brunettes fer?"

      "Them," says the cap., "is the king's wives that is, if he wants them. He is got to have five at least, and these are the candidates fer the honored position."

      That settles me! I would stick. Fer ten years I had been doing my best to get even with Jimmy, and here was an opportunity that couldn't be overlooked. I could imagine to myself the lovely time he would have with five ladies, running all the way from a chocolate-drop to a cream-puff in color, inquiring why he didn't get home at night before the milkman arrived, and a few other wifely questions like that.

      So I says to Jimmy, "On second consideration, your royal flushness, I reconsider my resignation and will take charge of the army."

      "I thought you would," says Jimmy, very haughty, "if you hadn't, the army would take charge of you. I was going to order you soused up and down in that ocean until you soaked up the right idea — but now you've come to your senses."

      The wedding festivities come off that evening. Not being a society reporter, I couldn't describe all the luminous points of etiquette practised in that very distinguished function. When it comes to costumes I might do better, because there wasn't much of them, and they was considerably alike, being principally belts and necklaces of feathers and palm-leaves.

      Jimmy shook his head when the twenty-five candidates lined up in front of him. He was looking like he had lost good money on a sure-thing horse, and if I had felt any worse than he appeared that night I certainly would have voted the Prohibition ticket.

      He swallows four or five times, like he had his heart up in his talk-box, and then he shuts his eyes and says, "Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, rah, rah, rah!" and the first five that come forward gets their arms around his neck.

      On the level, that sight was worth all the maldameer I ever had, for if there is anything that Jimmy is afraid of, it's a woman, whether she's at the race-track or down on the equator.

      And here was five young ladies cooing mosaic language in his ears and telling him they was going to be his little tootsie-wootsies all the rest of their lives.

      "Help!" says Jimmy, looking at me pitiful.

      "Not fer mine!" says I. "The army is not going to hook up with a bunch of Amazons. This is a social affair, anyway, and as the bulwarks of the nation, we can't afford to leave our post long enough to disentangle you from your wives."

      "Billy," says Jimmy; "the idee of you desertin' me at this critical period in my career hurts me terrifically."

      "Mr. King," says I, "I ain't deserting, I am sticking gallantly to my position — but I ain't laying no hasty hands on any woman, much less the king's consorts.

      By this time they had broke away and formed a ring around him, and Jimmy had to go through a lot of fool games that the children used to play back in the States, when the spring-time had dried up the mud around the track. The rest of the people living in Jimmy's city stayed to help the festivities along, and the royal orchestra played till there wasn't a tin can left without dents in it.

      Along about the time the theaters was letting out at home I finds a little shack that wasn't working and turns in, leaving the helpless bridegroom to his ready-made family.

      The next morning the cap. was gone, and Bobo III had settled down to ruling his bargain island. I didn't see much of Jimmy fer the next week, because we was increasing the army. The mule and me went around to the three other villages, where I enlisted all the husky natives that could spare the time to be soldiers.

      Saturday night Jimmy sent one of his wives fer me, and I goes over, ready fer a mix-up. He was in his royal shack, his wives setting around him plaiting hats and baskets. When I come in, Jimmy looked up at me with a lemony smile.

      "Billy," says he, "I am a king, and I am ruling this island, but I don't mind acknowledging to you that ladies, especially when they come in bunches of five, are considerable difficulter. I am going to make you a present of one or two."

      "Not if I see you first!" says I. "I took your army and increased him to six men. I have learned to eat the garbage these natives call grub, and I will stick it out as long as you do — but single, Jimmy Raines, single! Do you get that?"

      Of course the ladies didn't understand what I was saying — I ain't dippy enough. to have said it if they had — but I wanted Jimmy to realize very emphatic it was not up to me to hang over the brink of trouble and fish him out.

      "That is your final answer, is it, Martin?" says he, very cold.

      "That is my ultitomatum," says I, just as icy.

      "Very well," he remarks, pointing to the hole in the shack used as a door, "to-morrow we declare war on somebody or something — and you'll lead the troops. I hopes you get your blooming head caved in."

      I laughed, because while Jimmy had been kinging it over his island I had looked around some myself, and I knowed there was no chance fer a war. Islands was scarce around there, but nobody ever cast longing eyes on ours.

      "All right," I says, as I left the royal palace, "telephone me when you find anybody to make war on, and I will jump in my motor-car and chauf down here. By-by, old chap, and pleasant dreams!"

      Jimmy was sore, but he knew that I had him. The very next day things come to a showdown, and fer a minute I had as lumpy a case of buck fever as ever hit a hunter.

      While I was eating breakfast, with the army bringing me some boiled eggs and coffee in one hand and a heavy-weight biscuit in the other, I looks out over the bay and sees a craft scooting along toward us. It didn't look good to me, because it was painted gray.

      Somebody told me one time that pirates had changed their color from black to gray. I stopped eating and drilled up the street.

      Just as the visitors hove to, half a mile away, I reaches the royal palace.

      "Jimmy," says I, suppressing my excitement as good as I could, "there is something doing, and we ain't doing it. I see the trouble sign sticking up as big as a skyscraper over this island."

      Jimmy looks at the small boat that was bobbing over the water, and nods his head.

      "We've got to fight," says he.

      "We've got to fight?" I repeats. "If that's the case, get your gloves on and step into the ring."

      "No, no," says Jimmy. "I meant that you had to fight. You and the army."

      "Very likely," says I, pointing. "There goes the army fer home right now, and he is only hitting the highest places on the way, too. If the mule was awake he would be running also! Just because I happen to be on the spot, you needn't think I am going to walk right up to calamity and shake hands with it. Not fer mine! If you want any fighting done, Mr. King, you get down and wade in yourself. The water's warm, and I'll hold your clothes. I am the most peacefulest general that ever directed a battle from a hammock."

      "My wives —" says Jimmy; then he stops.

      I puts my hand on his shoulder and/ looks him in the face.

      "Your royal highness," says I. "Far be it from me to suggest anything, but I hope your training as a gentleman of honor won't allow you, fer a minute, to forget you must protect the ones who is nearest and dearest to you."

      "Forget it!" says Jimmy. "Do you think that any one of them husky Mrs. Raineses needs any protection? I was thinking of enlisting them in place of the army."

      "And get them all shot to pieces?" says I. "Shame upon you, Mr. King."

      "If the enemy, whoever he is," says Jimmy, "knows anything about them wives he won't take any chances at shooting! Before he could load again they would have him down on his knees yelling fer the police. I speak," says Jimmy, "from sad and solemn experience."

      The small boat by this time had landed, and a smart-looking naval officer stepped out. Four marines followed, and then the sailors, tying the boat to the stump of a tree that was our dock, falls in behind the marines. They all come marching up the main avenue of our city like they had been invited to breakfast.

      Jimmy takes a big breath. "Begin the attack, general," says he, "and I will look up the reserves. Trust me to bring them into action as quickly as possible."

      "Trust nothing," says I. "If anybody is to be a reserve, I choose to be that."

      We were still arguing when the navy floor-walker and his men halts in front of the royal palace.

      Jimmy still had on his glad rags and his dippy crown, but it hit me as I looked at my visitor that he knowed his way around pretty well, considering he hadn't been met with no reception committee, or even a private watchman, at the wharf.

      "Your highness," says he, running his hand over his mouth to rub out a smile, I guess, "will you kindly call your minister of the exchequer? The old grayhaired Minto de Gonzales, I suppose he is."

      Jimmy whirls on me.

      "You never told me, Billy Martin," says he, "that we had an exchequer. I have been looking fer it a week past."

      "How did I know we had one?" says I. "I have been too busy tending to the duties of the war department to spend any time thinking about money."

      "Oh," says the officer, easy like, "don't either of you worry; I can find him, I have no doubt. Why, there he is now," and he pointed to the last little shack in the village, near the water-works — the same being a barrel over a spring.

      Old Minto himself comes swinging down the path, and he had a smile on his face that shows he wasn't any stranger to the naval officer.

      "Ah, Minto," says he, "Buenos Ayres, Nux Vomica, E Pluribus!" That is what it sounded like, anyway, and I suppose our frosted chocolate cake knowed what it meant, for he digs into the gourd that he had slung on one shoulder and brings out money, real gold money!

      At the sight of this I felt the elevator drop about fourteen stories. To think that all this time we had been living on an island with all that coin sewed up in a safe-deposit bank we could open with a nut-cracker!

      Minto hands over the stuff to the officer, and he whips out a receipt-book, lays it across his knees, scribbles a few words, tears out a leaf, and hands it back to Minto. Then he shakes hands with that smoked Rip Van Winkle, looks around the village, salutes like he meant it, says "About face!" to his men, and trots them back to the boat.

      "That," says Jimmy, when he could get enough breath to make a noise, "that is the smoothest hold-up I ever see! I take off my crown to you, Mr. Officer, whoever you are! You ain't no piker, and you certainly didn't learn highway robbery in a correspondence school."

      The general of the army didn't say anything, but vamosed right down to the boat and up to the young fellow who had been waiting.

      "Excuse me, Mr. Man," says I, "do you mind telling me what piratical syndicate you represent? If all the shares of stock ain't sold, I would like to buy in. The way you do business certainly has a thrifty look to me."

      The young fellow laughed and twisted the tassels on his sword-hilt, and then holds out one mitt.

      "My dear fellow," says he, "shake hands with the United States government! This island is merely a little real estate that belongs to us, and once every six months we come over and collect the taxes. I suppose your would-be king is enjoying his reign, but don't let him take it too seriously. The governor of this bit of earth will be back again within a month, and then your friend will have to abdicate."

      And that was the whole story in a lemon!

      Jimmy wasn't no more king than I was a general, and the cap.! Oh, that cap. Was he the smooth one, I wonder?

      When I gets back to Jimmy, he was still looking like he had waked up too soon and couldn't tell where he belonged. I explained what the United States had told me. He shook his head long and silent, and I guess he cried some inside.

      "And to think," says he, "that I let go of one thousand good hard dollars fer the job that ain't. Billy Martin, a job that ain't! If you ever tell —" then he stops.

      "I won't," says I, pointing at his arm, "but that tattoo mark can't keep still." The king looks down at it.

      "Bobo III," says he, thoughtful-like, "tattooed in fer good. Oh, hell!" And I reckon he meant it all!

      "Jimmy," says I, "I guess the boat that brings the governor will take you and me back. You have had a run fer your money, more wives than you could manage —"

      "More wives than I could manage! says he, interrupting. "If you knowed anything about matrimony you would know that one is more than any man can manage. And to think that I thought I was wise to some of the easy ways to make money!"

      I nods my head. I had thought so too!

      "Billy," says he suddenly, "what does Bobo mean?"

      I didn't answer right away, because I hated to hurt his feelings — them feelings that five wives had been lacerating. The United States himself had told me, but it seemed mean to pass on the disagreeable information.

      "Out with it," says Jimmy, "if you know. I am the third, anyway."

      "Yes," says I, "you are the third. Bobo, your highness, means fool, and damned at that."