"I looked at him, lost in astonishment.
There he was before me, in motley, as though he had
absconded from a troupe of mimes enthusiastic, fabulous. His
very existence was improbable, inexplicable, and altogether
bewildering. He was an insoluble problem. It was
inconceivable how he had existed, how he had succeeded in
getting so far, how he had managed to remain — why he did not
instantly disappear. 'I went a little farther,' he said,
'then still a little farther — till I had gone so far that I
don't know how I'll ever get back. Never mind. Plenty time.
I can manage. You take Kurtz away quick — quick — I tell you.'
The glamour of youth enveloped his particoloured rags, his
destitution, his loneliness, the essential desolation of his
futile wanderings. For months — for years — his life hadn't
been worth a day's purchase; and there he was gallantly,
thoughtlessly alive, to all appearance indestructible solely
by the virtue of his few years and of his unreflecting
audacity. I was seduced into something like admiration — like
envy. Glamour urged him on, glamour kept him unscathed. He
surely wanted nothing from the wilderness but space to
breathe in and to push on through. His need was to exist,
and to move onwards at the greatest possible risk, and with
a maximum of privation. If the absolutely pure,
uncalculating, unpractical spirit of adventure had ever
ruled a human being, it ruled this be-patched youth. I
almost envied him the possession of this modest and clear
flame. It seemed to have consumed all thought of self so
completely, that, even while he was talking to you, you
forgot that it was he — the man before your eyes — who had
gone through these things. I did not envy him his devotion
to Kurtz, though. He had not meditated over it. It came to
him, and he accepted it with a sort of eager fatalism. I
must say that to me it appeared about the most dangerous
thing in every way he had come upon so far.
"They had come together unavoidably,
like two ships becalmed near each other, and lay rubbing
sides at last. I suppose Kurtz wanted an audience, because
on a certain occasion, when encamped in the forest, they had
talked all night, or more probably Kurtz had talked. 'We
talked of everything,' he said, quite transported at the
recollection. 'I forgot there was such a thing as sleep. The
night did not seem to last an hour. Everything! Everything!
. . . Of love too.' 'Ah, he talked to you of love!' I said,
much amused. 'It isn't what you think,' he cried, almost
passionately. 'It was in general. He made me see
things — things.'
"He threw his arms up. We were on deck
at the time, and the head-man of my wood-cutters, lounging
near by, turned upon him his heavy and glittering eyes. I
looked around, and I don't know why, but I assure you that
never, never before, did this land, this river, this jungle,
the very arch of this blazing sky, appear to me so hopeless
and so dark, so impenetrable to human thought, so pitiless
to human weakness. 'And, ever since, you have been with him,
of course?' I said.
"On the contrary. It appears their
intercourse was very much broken by various causes. He had,
as he informed me proudly, managed to nurse Kurtz through
two illnesses (he alluded to it as you would to some risky
feat), but as a rule Kurtz wandered alone, far in the depths
of the forest. 'Very often coming to this station, I had to
wait days and days for him to turn up,' he said. 'Ah, it was
worth waiting for! — sometimes.' 'What was he doing?
exploring or what?' I asked. 'Oh yes, of course he had
discovered lots of villages, a lake too — he did not know
exactly in what direction; it was dangerous to inquire too
much — but mostly his expeditions had been for ivory.' 'But
he had no goods to trade with by that time,' I objected.
'There's a good lot of cartridges left even yet,' he
answered, looking away. 'To speak plainly, he raided the
country,' I said. He nodded. 'Not alone, surely!' He
muttered something about the villages round that lake.
'Kurtz got the tribe to follow him, did he?' I suggested. He
fidgeted a little. 'They adored him,' he said. The tone of
these words was so extraordinary that I looked at him
searchingly. It was curious to see his mingled eagerness and
reluctance to speak of Kurtz. The man filled his life,
occupied his thoughts, swayed his emotions. 'What can you
expect?' he burst out; 'he came to them with thunder and
lightning, you know — and they had never seen anything like
it — and very terrible. He could be very terrible. You can't
judge Mr Kurtz as you would an ordinary man. No, no, no!
Now — just to give you an idea — I don't mind telling you, he
wanted to shoot me too one day — but I don't judge him.'
'Shoot you!' I cried. 'What for?' 'Well, I had a small lot
of ivory the chief of that village near my house gave me.
You see I used to shoot game for them. Well, he wanted it,
and wouldn't hear reason. He said he would shoot me unless I
gave him the ivory and cleared out of the country, because
he could do so, and had a fancy for it, and there was
nothing on earth to prevent him killing whom he jolly well
pleased. And it was true too. I gave him the ivory. What did
I care! But I didn't clear out. No, no. I couldn't leave
him. I had to be careful, though, for a time. Then we got
friendly, as before. He had his second illness then.
Afterwards I had to keep out of the way again. But he was
mostly living in those villages on the lake. When he came
down to the river, sometimes he would take to me, and
sometimes I had to keep out of his way. This man suffered
too much. He hated all this, and somehow he couldn't get
away. When I had a chance I begged him to try and leave
while there was time. I offered to go back with him. And he
would say yes, and then he would remain; go off on another
ivory hunt; disappear for weeks; forget himself amongst
these people — forget himself — you know.' 'Why! he's mad,' I
said. He protested indignantly. Mr Kurtz couldn't be mad. If
I had heard him talk, only two days ago, I wouldn't dare
hint at such a thing. I had taken up my binoculars while we
talked, and was looking at the shore, sweeping the limit of
the forest at each side and at the back of the house. The
consciousness of there being people in that bush, so silent,
so quiet — as silent and quiet as the ruined house on the
hill — made me uneasy. There was no sign on the face of
nature of this amazing tale of cruelty and greed that was
not so much told as suggested to me in desolate
exclamations, completed by shrugs, in interrupted phrases,
in hints ending in deep sighs. The woods were unmoved, like
a mask — heavy, like the closed door of a prison — they looked
with their air of hidden knowledge, of patient expectation,
of unapproachable silence. The Russian was telling me that
it was only lately that Mr Kurtz had come down to the river,
bringing along with him that lake tribe. He had been absent
for several months — getting himself adored, I suppose — and
had come down purposing a raid either across the river or
down stream. Evidently the appetite for more ivory had got
the better of the — what shall I say? — less material
aspirations. However he had got much worse suddenly. 'I
heard he was lying helpless, and so I came up — took my
chance,' said the Russian. 'Oh, he is bad, very bad.' I kept
my glass steadily on the house. There were no signs of life,
but there was the ruined roof, the long mud wall peeping
above the grass, with three little square window-holes, no
two of the same size; all this brought within reach of my
hand, as it were. And then I made a brusque movement, and
one of the remaining posts of that vanished fence leaped up
in the field of my glass. You remember I told you I had been
struck at the distance by certain attempts at ornamentation,
rather remarkable in the ruinous neglect of the place. Now I
had suddenly a nearer view, and its first result was to make
me throw my head back as if before a blow. Then I went
carefully from post to post with my glass, and I saw my
mistake. These round knobs were not ornamental but symbolic
of some cruel and forbidding knowledge. They were expressive
and puzzling, striking and disturbing, food for thought and
also for the vultures if there had been any looking down
from the sky; but at all events for such ants as were
industrious enough to ascend the pole. They would have been
even more impressive, those heads on the stakes, if their
faces had not been turned to the house. Only one, the first
I had made out, was facing my way. I was not so shocked as
you may think. The start back I had given was really nothing
but a movement of surprise. I had expected to see a knob of
wood there, you know. I returned deliberately to the first I
had seen — and there it was, black, dried, sunken, with
closed eyelids — a head that seemed to sleep at the top of
that pole, and, with the shrunken dry lips showing a narrow
white line of the teeth, was smiling too, smiling
continuously at some endless and jocose dream of that
eternal slumber.
"I am not disclosing any trade secrets.
In fact the manager said afterwards that Mr Kurtz had ruined
that district. I have no opinion as to that, but I want you
clearly to understand that there was nothing profitable in
these heads being there. They only showed that Mr Kurtz
lacked restraint in the gratification of his various lusts,
that there was something wanting in him — some small matter
which, when the pressing need arose, could not be found
under his magnificent eloquence. Whether he knew of this
deficiency himself I can't say. I think the knowledge came
to him at last — only at the very last. But the wilderness
had found him out early, and had taken on him a terrible
vengeance for the fantastic invasion. It had tempted him
with all the sinister suggestions of its loneliness. I think
it had whispered to him things about himself which he did
not know, things of which he had no conception till he took
counsel with this great solitude — and the whisper had proved
irresistibly fascinating. It echoed loudly within him
because he was hollow at the core. I put down the glass, and
the head that had appeared near enough to be spoken to
seemed at once to have leaped away from me into the illusion
of an inaccessible distance.
"The admirer of Mr Kurtz hung his head.
With a hurried, indistinct voice he began to tell me he had
not dared to take these — say, symbols — down. He was not
afraid of the natives; they would not move till Mr Kurtz
gave the word. His ascendancy was extraordinary. The camps
of these people surrounded the place, and the chiefs came
every day to see him. They crawled. 'I don't want to know
anything of the ceremonies used when approaching Mr Kurtz,'
I shouted. Curious, this feeling that came over me that
those details would be more intolerable to hear than those
heads drying on the stakes under Mr Kurtz's windows were to
see. After all, that was only a savage sight, while I seemed
at one bound to have been transported into some lightless
region of subtle horrors, where pure, uncomplicated savagery
was a positive relief, being something that had a right to
exist, obviously in the sunshine. The young man looked at me
with surprise. I suppose it did not occur to him Mr Kurtz
was no idol of mine. He forgot I hadn't heard any of these
splendid monologues on, what was it? on love, justice,
conduct of life — or what not. If it had come to crawling
before Mr Kurtz, he crawled as much as the veriest savage of
them all. I had no idea of the conditions, he said: these
heads were the heads of rebels. I shocked him excessively by
laughing. Rebels! What would be the next definition I was to
hear? There had been enemies, criminals, workers — and these
were rebels. Those rebellious heads looked very pacific to
me on their sticks. 'You don't know how such a life tries a
man like Kurtz,' cried Kurtz's last disciple. 'Well, and
you?' I said. 'I! I! I am a simple man. I have no great
thoughts. I want nothing from anybody. How can you compare
me to . . . ?' His feelings were too much for speech, and
suddenly he broke down. 'I don't understand,' he groaned.
'I've been doing my best to keep him alive, and that's
enough. I had no hand in all this. I have no abilities.
There hasn't been a drop of medicine or a mouthful of
invalid food for months here. He was shamefully abandoned. A
man like this, with such ideas. Shamefully! Shamefully!
I — I — haven't slept for the last ten nights....'
"His voice lost itself in the calm of
the evening. The long shadows of the forest had slipped down
hill while we talked, had gone far beyond the ruined hovel,
beyond the symbolic row of stakes. All this was in the
gloom, while we down there were yet in the sunshine, and the
stretch of the river abreast of the clearing glittered in a
still and dazzling splendour, with a murky and overshadowed
band above and below. Not a living soul was seen on the
shore. The bushes did not rustle.
"Suddenly round the corner of the house
a group of men appeared. It was as though they had come up
from the ground. They waded waist-deep in the grass, in a
compact body, bearing an improvised stretcher in their
midst. Instantly, in the emptiness of the landscape, a cry
arose whose shrillness pierced the still air like a sharp
arrow flying straight to the very heart of the land; and, as
if by enchantment, streams of human beings — of naked human
beings — with spears in their hands, with bows, with shields,
with wild glances and savage movements, were poured into the
clearing by the dark-faced and pensive forest. The bushes
shook, the grass swayed for a time, and then everything
stood still in attentive immobility.
"'Now, if he does not speak to them we
are all done for,' said the Russian at my elbow. The knot of
men with the stretcher had stopped too, half-way to the
steamer, as if petrified. I saw the man on the stretcher sit
up, lank and with an uplifted arm, above the shoulders of
the bearers. 'Let us hope that the man who can talk so well
of love in general will find some particular reason to spare
us this time,' I said. I resented bitterly the absurd danger
of our situation, as if to be at the mercy of the atrocious
phantom who ruled this land had been a dishonouring
necessity. I could not hear anything, but through my glasses
I saw the thin arm extended commandingly, the lower jaw
moving, the eyes of that apparition shining darkly far in
his bony head that nodded with grotesque jerks.
Kurtz — Kurtz — that means short in German — don't it? Well,
the name was as true as everything else in his life — and
death. He looked at least seven feet long. His covering had
fallen off, and his body emerged from it pitiful and
appalling as from a winding-sheet. I could see the cage of
his ribs all astir, the bones of his arm waving. It was as
though an animated image of death carved out of old ivory
had been shaking its hand with menaces at a motionless crowd
of men made of dark and glittering bronze. I saw him open
his mouth wide — it gave him a weirdly voracious aspect, as
though he had wanted to swallow all the air, all the earth,
all the men before him. A deep sound reached me faintly. He
must have been shouting. He fell back suddenly. The
stretcher shook as the bearers staggered forward again, and
almost at the same time I noticed that the crowd of savages
had already diminished, was vanishing without any
perceptible movement of retreat, as if the forest that had
ejected these beings so suddenly had drawn them in again as
the breath is drawn in a long aspiration.
"Some of the pilgrims behind the
stretcher carried his arms — two shot-guns, a heavy rifle,
and a light revolver-carbine — the thunderbolts of that
pitiful Jupiter. The manager bent over him murmuring as he
walked beside his head. They laid him down in one of the
little cabins, just a room for a bed-place and a camp-stool
or two, you know. We had brought his belated correspondence,
and a lot of torn envelopes and open letters littered his
bed. His hand roamed feebly amongst these papers. I was
struck by the fire of his eyes and the composed languor of
his expression. It was not so much the exhaustion of
disease. He did not seem in pain. This shadow looked
satiated and calm, as though for the moment it had had its
fill of all the emotions.
"He rustled one of the letters, and
looking in my face said, 'I am glad.' Somebody had been
writing to him about me. These special recommendations
again. The volume of tone he emitted without effort, almost
without the trouble of moving his lips, amazed me. A voice!
a voice! It was grave, profound, vibrating, while the man
did not seem capable of a whisper. However, he had enough
strength in him — factitious no doubt — to very nearly make an
end of us, as you shall hear directly.
"The manager appeared in the doorway, so
I stepped out at once and he drew the curtain after me. The
Russian, eyed curiously by the pilgrims, was staring at the
shore. I followed the direction of his glance.
"Several bronze figures could be made
out in the distance, moving indistinctly against the gloomy
border of the forest, and near the river two were standing,
leaning on spears in the sunlight, under fantastic
head-dresses of spotted skins, warlike, and still in
statuesque repose. And from right to left along the lighted
shore moved a wild and gorgeous apparition of a woman.
"She walked with measured steps, draped
in striped and fringed cloths, treading the earth proudly,
with a slight jingle and flash of barbarous ornaments. She
carried her head high; her hair was done in the shape of a
helmet; she had brass leggings to the knee, brass wire
gauntlets to the elbow, a crimson spot on her tawny cheek,
innumerable necklaces of glass beads on her neck; bizarre
things, charms, gifts of witch-men, that hung about her,
glittered and trembled at every step. She must have had the
value of several elephant tusks upon her. She was savage and
superb, wild-eyed and magnificent; there was something
ominous and stately in her deliberate progress. And in the
hush that had fallen suddenly upon the whole sorrowful land,
the immense wilderness, the colossal body of the fecund and
mysterious life seemed to look at her as though it had been
looking at the image of its own tenebrous and passionate
soul.
"And we men also looked at her — at any
rate I looked at her. She came abreast of the steamer, stood
still, and faced us. Her long shadow fell to the water's
edge. Her face had a tragic and fierce aspect of wild sorrow
and of dumb fear mingled with the pain of a struggling,
half-shaped emotion. She stood looking at us without a stir,
and like the wilderness itself with an air of brooding over
an inscrutable purpose. A whole minute passed, and then she
made a step forward. There was a low jingle, a glint of
yellow metal, a sway of fringed draperies, and she stopped.
Had her heart failed her, or had her eyes, veiled with that
mournfulness that lies over all the wild things of the
earth, seen the hopelessness of longing that will find out
sometimes even a savage soul in the lonely darkness of its
being? Who can tell. Perhaps she did not know herself. The
young fellow by my side growled. The pilgrims murmured at my
back. She looked at us all as if her life had depended upon
the unswerving steadiness of her glance. Suddenly she opened
her bared arms and threw them up rigid above her head, as
though in an uncontrollable desire to touch the sky, and at
the same time the shadows of her arms darted out on the
earth, swept around on the river, gathering the steamer into
a shadowy embrace. Her sudden gesture seemed to demand a
cry, but the unbroken silence that hung over the scene was
more formidable than any sound could be.
"She turned, walked on, following the
bank, and passed into the bushes to the left. Once only her
eyes gleamed back at us in the dusk of the thickets and she
disappeared.
"'If she had offered to come aboard I
think I would have tried to shoot her,' said the man of
patches, nervously. 'I had been risking my life every day
for the last fortnight to keep her out of the house. She got
in once and kicked up a row about those miserable rags I
picked up in the storeroom to mend my clothes with. I was
not decent. At least it must have been that, for she talked
to Kurtz for an hour, pointing at me now and then. I don't
understand the dialect of this tribe. Luckily for me, I
fancy Kurtz felt too ill that day to care, or there would
have been mischief. I don't understand.... No — it's too much
for me. Ah, well, it's all over now.'
"At this moment I heard Kurtz's deep
voice behind the curtain, 'Save me! — save the ivory, you
mean. Don't tell me. Save me! Why, I've had to save you. You
are interrupting my plans now. Sick! Sick! Not so sick as
you would like to believe. Never mind. I'll carry my ideas
out yet — I will return. I'll show you what can be done. You
with your little peddling notions — you are interfering with
me. I will return. I . . .'
"The manager came out. He did me the
honour to take me under the arm and lead me aside. 'He is
very low, very low,' he said. He considered it necessary to
sigh, but forgot to be consistently sorrowful. 'We have done
all we could for him — haven't we? But there is no disguising
the fact, Mr Kurtz has done more harm than good to the
Company. He did not see the time was not ripe for vigorous
action. Cautiously, cautiously, that's my principle. We must
be cautious yet. The district is closed to us for a time.
Deplorable! Upon the whole, the trade will suffer. I don't
deny there is a remarkable quantity of ivory — mostly fossil.
We must save it, at all events — but look how precarious the
position is — and why? Because the method is unsound.' 'Do
you,' said I, looking at the shore, 'call it "unsound
method"?' 'Without doubt,' he exclaimed, hotly. 'Don't
you?' 'No method at all,' I murmured. 'Exactly,' he exulted.
'I anticipated this. A complete want of judgment. It is my
duty to point it out in the proper quarter.' 'Oh,' said I,
'that fellow — what's his name? — the brickmaker, will make a
readable report for you.' He appeared confounded for a
moment. It seemed to me I had never breathed an atmosphere
so vile, and I turned mentally to Kurtz for
relief — positively for relief. 'Nevertheless, I think Mr
Kurtz is a remarkable man,' I said with emphasis. He
started, dropped on me a cold heavy glance, said very
quietly, 'He was,' and turned his back on me. My hour of
favour was over. I found myself lumped along with Kurtz as a
partisan of methods for which the time was not ripe. I was
unsound. Ah! but it was something to have at least a choice
of nightmares.
"I had turned to the wilderness really,
not to Mr Kurtz, who, I was ready to admit, was as good as
buried. And for a moment it seemed to me as if I also were
buried in a vast grave full of unspeakable secrets. I felt
an intolerable weight oppressing my breast, the smell of the
damp earth, the unseen presence of victorious corruption,
the darkness of an impenetrable night. The Russian tapped me
on the shoulder. I heard him mumbling and stammering
something about 'brother seaman — couldn't conceal — knowledge
of matters that would affect Mr Kurtz's reputation.' I
waited. For him evidently Mr Kurtz was not in his grave; I
suspect that for him Mr Kurtz was one of the immortals.
'Well!' said I at last, 'speak out. As it happens, I am Mr
Kurtz's friend — in a way.'
"He stated with a good deal of formality
that had we not been 'of the same profession,' he would have
kept the matter to himself without regard to consequences.
He suspected 'there was an active ill-will towards him on
the part of these white men that ——' 'You are right,' I
said, remembering a certain conversation I had overheard.
'The manager thinks you ought to be hanged.' He showed a
concern at this intelligence which astonished me at first.
'I had better get out of the way quietly,' he said,
earnestly. 'I can do no more for Kurtz now, and they would
soon find a pretext. . . . What's to stop them? There's a
military post three hundred miles from here.' 'Well, upon my
word,' said I, 'perhaps you had better go if you have any
friends amongst the savages near by.' 'Plenty,' he said.
'They are simple people — and I want nothing, you know.' He
stood biting his lip, then: 'I don't want any harm to happen
to these whites here, but of course I was thinking of Mr
Kurtz's reputation — but you are a brother seaman and ——'
'All right,' said I, after a time. 'Mr Kurtz's reputation is
safe with me.' I did not know how truly I spoke.
"He informed me, lowering his voice,
that it was Kurtz who had ordered the attack to be made on
the steamer. 'He hated sometimes the idea of being taken
away — and then again. . . . But I don't understand these
matters. I am a simple man. He thought it would scare you
away — that you would give it up, thinking him dead. I could
not stop him. Oh, I had an awful time of it this last
month.' 'Very well,' I said. 'He is all right now.'
'Ye-e-es,' he muttered, not very convinced apparently.
'Thanks,' said I; 'I shall keep my eyes open.' 'But
quiet — eh?' he urged, anxiously. 'It would be awful for his
reputation if anybody here . . .' I promised a complete
discretion with great gravity. 'I have a canoe and three
black fellows not very far. I am off. Could you give me a
few Martini-Henry cartridges?' I could, and did, with proper
secrecy. He helped himself, with a wink at me, to a handful
of my tobacco. 'Between sailors — you know — good English
tobacco.' At the door of the pilot-house he turned round — 'I
say, haven't you a pair of shoes you could spare?' He raised
one leg. 'Look.' The soles were tied with knotted strings
sandal-wise under his bare feet. I rooted out an old pair,
at which he looked with admiration before tucking them under
his left arm. One of his pockets (bright red) was bulging
with cartridges, from the other (dark blue) peeped 'Towson's
Inquiry,' &c., &c. He seemed to think himself
excellently well equipped for a renewed encounter with the
wilderness. 'Ah! I'll never, never meet such a man again.
You ought to have heard him recite poetry — his own too it
was, he told me. Poetry!' He rolled his eyes at the
recollection of these delights. 'Oh, he enlarged my mind!'
'Good-bye,' said I. He shook hands and vanished in the
night. I ask myself whether I had ever really seen
him — whether it was possible to meet such a phenomenon.
"When I woke up shortly after midnight
his warning came to my mind with its hint of danger that
seemed, in the starred darkness, real enough to make me get
up for the purpose of having a look round. On the hill a big
fire burned, illuminating fitfully a crooked corner of the
station-house One of the agents with a picket of a few of
our blacks, armed for the purpose, was keeping guard. But
deep within the forest, red gleams that wavered, that seemed
to sink and rise from the ground amongst confused columnar
shapes of intense blackness, showed the exact position of
the camp where Mr Kurtz's adorers were keeping their uneasy
vigil. The monotonous beating of a big drum filled the air
with muffled shocks and a lingering vibration. A steady
droning sound of many men chanting each to himself some
weird incantation came out from the black, flat wall of the
woods as the humming of bees comes out of a hive, and had a
strange narcotic effect upon my half-awake senses. I believe
I dozed off leaning over the rail, till an abrupt burst of
yells, an overwhelming outbreak of a pent-up and mysterious
frenzy, woke me up in a bewildered wonder. It was cut short
all at once, and the low droning went on with an effect of
audible and soothing silence. I glanced casually into the
little cabin. A light was burning. Kurtz was not there.
"I think I would have raised an outcry
if I had believed my eyes. But I didn't believe them at
first, the thing seemed so impossible. The fact is I was
completely unnerved. Sheer blank fright, pure abstract
terror, unconnected with any distinct shape of physical
danger. What made this emotion so overpowering was — how
shall I define it? — the moral shock I received, as if
something altogether monstrous, intolerable to thought and
odious to the soul, had been thrust upon me unexpectedly.
This lasted of course the merest fraction of a second, and
then the usual sense of commonplace, deadly danger, the
possibility of a sudden onslaught and massacre, or something
of the kind, which I saw impending, was positively welcome
and composing. It pacified me, in fact, and I did not raise
an alarm.
"There was an agent buttoned up inside
an ulster sleeping on a chair on deck within three feet of
me. The yells had not awakened him, and he snored very
slightly. I left him to his slumbers and leaped ashore. I
did not betray Mr Kurtz — it was ordered I should never
betray him — it was written I should be loyal to the
nightmare of my choice. I was anxious to deal with this
shadow by myself alone, — and to this day I don't know why I
was so jealous of sharing with any one the dismal blackness
of this experience.
"As soon as I got on the bank I saw a
trail — a broad trail through the grass. I remember the
exultation with which I said to myself, 'He can't walk — he
is crawling — I've got him.' The grass was wet with dew. I
strode rapidly with clenched fists. I fancy I had some vague
notion of falling upon him and giving him a drubbing. I
don't know. I had some imbecile thoughts. The knitting old
woman with the cat obtruded herself upon me as a most
improper person to be sitting at the other end of such an
affair. I saw a row of pilgrims squirting lead in the air
out of Winchesters held to the hip. I thought I would never
get back to the steamer, and saw myself living alone and
unarmed in the woods to an advanced age. Such silly
things — you know. And I remember I confounded the beat of
the drum with the beating of my heart, and was pleased at
its calm regularity.
"I kept to the track though — then
stopped to listen. The night was very clear: a dark blue
space, sparkling with dew and starlight, where black things
stood very still. I thought I saw a kind of motion ahead of
me. I was strangely cocksure of everything that night. I
actually left the track and ran in a wide semicircle, I
verily believe chuckling to myself, so as to get in front of
that stir, of that motion I had seen — if indeed I had seen
anything. I was circumventing Kurtz as if it had been a
boyish game for fun.
"I came upon him, and, if he had not
heard me coming, I would have fallen over him too; but he
got up in time in front of me. He rose, unsteady, long,
pale, indistinct, like a vapour exhaled by the earth, and
swayed slightly, misty and silent before me; while at my
back the fires loomed between the trees, and the murmur of
many voices issued from the forest. I had cut him off
cleverly; but when actually confronting him I seemed to come
to my senses, I saw the danger in its right proportion. It
was by no means over yet. Suppose he began to shout. Though
he could hardly stand, there was still plenty of vigour in
his voice. 'Go away — hide yourself,' he said, in that
profound tone. It was very awful. I glanced back. We were
within thirty yards from the nearest fire. A black figure
stood up, strode on long black legs, waving long black arms,
across the glow. It had horns — antelope horns, I think — on
its head. Some sorcerer, some witchman, no doubt: it looked
fiend-like enough. 'Do you know what you are doing?' I
whispered. 'Perfectly,' he answered, raising his voice for
that single word: it sounded to me far off and yet loud,
like a hail through a speaking-trumpet. If he makes a row we
are lost, I thought to myself. This clearly was not a case
for fisticuffs, even apart from the very natural aversion I
had to beat that Shadow — this wandering and tormented thing,
that seemed released from one grave only to sink for ever
into another. 'You will be lost,' I said — 'utterly lost.'
One gets sometimes such a flash of inspiration, you know. I
did say the right thing, though indeed he could not have
been more irretrievably lost than he was at this very
moment, when the foundations of our intimacy were being
laid — to endure — to endure — even to the end — even beyond.
"'I had immense plans,' he muttered
irresolutely. 'Yes,' said I; 'but if you try to shout I'll
smash your head with ——' there was not a stick or a stone
near. 'I will throttle you for good,' I corrected myself. 'I
was on the threshold of great things,' he pleaded, in a
voice of longing, with a wistfulness of tone that made my
blood run cold. 'And now for this stupid scoundrel ——'
'Your success in Europe is assured in any case,' I affirmed,
steadily. I did not want to have the throttling of him, you
understand — and indeed it would have been very little use
for any practical purpose. I tried to break the spell — the
heavy, mute spell of the wilderness — that seemed to draw him
to its pitiless breast by the awakening of forgotten and
brutal instincts, by the memory of gratified and monstrous
passions. This alone, I was convinced, had driven him out to
the edge of the forest, to the bush, towards the gleam of
fires, the throb of drums, the drone of weird incantations;
this alone had beguiled his unlawful soul beyond the bounds
of permitted aspirations. And, don't you see, the terror of
the position was not in being knocked on the head — though I
had a very lively sense of that danger too — but in this,
that I had to deal with a being to whom I could not appeal
in the name of anything high or low. I had, even like the
niggers, to invoke him — himself — his own exalted and
incredible degradation. There was nothing either above or
below him, and I knew it. He had kicked himself loose of the
earth. Confound the man! he had kicked the very earth to
pieces. He was alone, and I before him did not know whether
I stood on the ground or floated in the air. I've been
telling you what we said — repeating the phrases we
pronounced, — but what's the good? They were common everyday
words, — the familiar, vague sounds exchanged on every waking
day of life. But what of that? They had behind them, to my
mind, the terrific suggestiveness of words heard in dreams,
of phrases spoken in nightmares. Soul! If anybody had ever
struggled with a soul, I am the man. And I wasn't arguing
with a mad man either. Believe me or not, his intelligence
was perfectly clear — concentrated, it is true, upon himself
with horrible intensity, yet clear; and therein was my only
chance — barring, of course, the killing him there and then,
which wasn't so good, on account of unavoidable noise. But
his soul was mad. Being alone in the wilderness, it had
looked within itself, and, by heavens! I tell you, it had
gone mad. I had — for my sins, I suppose, to go through the
ordeal of looking into it myself. No eloquence could have
been so withering as his final burst of sincerity. He
struggled with himself, too. I saw it, — I heard it. I saw
the inconceivable mystery of a soul that knew no restraint,
no faith, and no fear, yet struggling blindly with itself. I
kept my head pretty well; but when I had him at last
stretched on the couch, I wiped my forehead, while my legs
shook under me as though I had carried half a ton on my back
down that hill. And yet I had only supported him, his bony
arm clasped round my neck, and he was not much heavier than
a child.
"And when next day we left at noon, the
crowd, of whose presence behind the curtain of trees I had
been acutely conscious all the time, flowed out of the woods
again, filled the clearing, covered the slope with a mass of
naked, breathing, quivering, bronze bodies. I steamed up a
bit, then swung down-stream, and two thousand eyes followed
the evolutions of the splashing, thumping, fierce
river-demon beating the water with its terrible tail and
breathing black smoke into the air. In front of the first
rank, along the river, three men, plastered with bright red
earth from head to foot, strutted to and fro restlessly.
When we came abreast again, they faced the river, stamped
their feet, nodded their horned heads, swayed their scarlet
bodies; they shook towards the same river-demon a bunch of
black feathers, a spotted skin with a pendent
tail — something that looked like a dried gourd; they shouted
periodically together strings of amazing words that
resembled no sounds of human language; and the deep murmurs
of the crowd, interrupted suddenly, were like the responses
of some satanic litany.
"We had carried Kurtz into the
pilot-house: there was more air there. Lying on the couch,
he stared through the open shutter. There was an eddy in the
mass of black heads, and the woman with helmeted head and
tawny cheeks rushed out to the very brink of the stream. She
put out her hands, shouted something, and all that wild mob
took up the shout in an amazing chorus of articulated,
rapid, breathless utterance.
"'Do you understand this?' I asked.
"He kept on looking out with fiery,
longing eyes, with a mingle expression of wistfulness and
hate. He did not answer me, but at my question I saw a
smile, a smile of indefinable meaning, appear on his
colourless lips that a moment after twitched convulsively
with pain or rage. 'I will return,' he said, slowly, gasping
as if the words of promise and menace had been torn out of
him by a supernatural power.
"I pulled the string of the whistle, and
I did this because I saw the pilgrims on deck getting out
their rifles with an air of anticipating a jolly lark. At
the sudden screech there was a movement of abject terror
through that wedged mass of bodies. 'Don't! don't! you
frighten them away,' cried some one on deck disconsolately.
I pulled the string again and again. They broke and ran,
they leaped, they crouched, they swerved, as if dodging the
terrible sound. The three red chaps had fallen flat, face
down on the shore, as though they had been shot dead. Only
the barbarous and superb woman did not so much as flinch,
and stretched tragically her bare arms after us over the
brown and glittering river.
"And then that imbecile crowd down on
the deck started their little fun, and I could see nothing
more for smoke.
"The brown current ran swiftly out of
the heart of darkness, bearing us down towards the sea with
twice the speed of our upward progress; and Kurtz's life was
running swiftly too, ebbing, ebbing out of his heart into
the sea of inexorable time. The manager was very placid. He
had no vital anxieties now. He took in both of us in a
comprehensive and satisfied glance. The 'affair' had come
off as well as could be wished. I saw the time approaching
when I would be left alone of the party of 'unsound method.'
The pilgrims looked upon me with disfavour. I was, so to
speak, numbered with the dead. It is strange how I accepted
this unforeseen partnership, this choice of nightmares
forced upon me in the tenebrous land invaded by these mean
and greedy phantoms.
"Kurtz discoursed. A voice! a voice! It
rang deep to the very last. It survived his strength to hide
in the magnificent folds of eloquence the barren darkness of
his heart. Oh, he struggled! he struggled! The wastes of his
weary brain were haunted by shadowy images now — images of
wealth and fame revolving obsequiously round his
unextinguishable gift of noble and lofty expression. My
Intended, my station, my career, my ideas — these were the
subjects for the occasional utterances of elevated
sentiments. The shade of the original Kurtz frequented the
bedside of the hollow sham, whose fate it was to be buried
presently in the mould of primeval earth. But both the
diabolic love and the unearthly hate of the mysteries it had
penetrated fought for the possession of that soul satiated
with primitive emotions, avid of lying fame, of sham
distinction, of all the appearances of success and power.
"Sometimes he was contemptibly childish.
He desired to have kings meet him at railway stations on his
return from some ghastly Nowhere, where he intended to
accomplish great things. 'You show them you have in you
something that is really profitable, and then there will be
no limits to the recognition of your ability,' he would say.
'Of course you must take care of the motives — right
motives — always.' The long reaches that were like one and
the same reach, monotonous bends that were exactly alike,
slipped past the steamer with their multitude of secular
trees looking patiently after this grimy fragment of another
world, the forerunner of change, of conquest, of trade, of
massacres, of blessings. I looked ahead — piloting. 'Close
the shutter,' said Kurtz suddenly one day; 'I can't bear to
look at this.' I did so. There was a silence. 'Oh, but I
will wring your heart yet!' he cried at the invisible
wilderness.
"We broke down — as I had expected — and
had to lie up for repairs at the head of an island. This
delay was the first thing that shook Kurtz's confidence. One
morning he gave me a packet of papers and a photograph, — the
lot tied together with a shoe-string. 'Keep this for me,' he
said. 'This noxious fool' (meaning the manager) 'is capable
of prying into my boxes when I am not looking.' In the
afternoon I saw him. He was lying on his back with closed
eyes, and I withdrew quietly, but I heard him mutter, 'Live
rightly, die, die . . .' I listened. There was nothing more.
Was he rehearsing some speech in his sleep, or was it a
fragment of a phrase from some newspaper article? He had
been writing for the papers and meant to do so again, 'for
the furthering of my ideas. It's a duty.'
"His was an impenetrable darkness. I
looked at him as you peer down at a man who is lying at the
bottom of a precipice where the sun never shines. But I had
not much time to give him, because I was helping the
engine-driver to take to pieces the leaky cylinders, to
straighten a bent connecting-rod, and in other such matters.
I lived in a repulsive mess of nuts, bolts, spanners,
hammers, ratchets — things I abominate, because I don't get
on with them. I tended the little forge we fortunately had
aboard; I toiled wearily in a wretched scrap-heap, unless I
had the shakes too bad to stand.
"One evening coming in with a candle I
was startled to hear him say a little querulously, 'I am
lying here in the dark waiting for death.' The light was
within a foot of his eyes. I managed to murmur, 'Oh,
nonsense!' and stood over him as if transfixed.
"Anything approaching the expression
that came over his face I have never seen before, and hope
never to see again. Oh, I wasn't touched. I was fascinated.
It was as though a veil had been rent. I saw on that ivory
face the expression of strange pride, of mental power, of
avarice, of blood-thirstiness, of cunning, of excessive
terror, of an intense and hopeless despair. Did he live his
life through in every detail of desire, temptation, and
surrender during that supreme moment of complete knowledge?
He cried whisperingly at some image, at some vision — he
cried twice, with a cry that was no more than a breath —
"'The horror! The horror!'
"I blew the candle out and left the
cabin. The pilgrims were dining in the mess-cabin. I took my
place opposite the manager, who lifted his eyes to give me a
questioning glance, which I successfully ignored. He leaned
back, serene, with that peculiar smile of his sealing the
unexpressed depths of his meanness. A continuous shower of
small flies streamed upon the lamp, upon the cloth, upon our
hands and faces. Suddenly the manager's boy put his insolent
black face in the doorway, and said in a tone of scathing
contempt —
"'Mistah Kurtz — he dead.'
"All the pilgrims rushed out to see. I
remained, and went on with my dinner. I believe I was
considered brutally callous. However, I did not eat much.
There was a lamp in there — light, don't you know — and
outside it was so beastly, beastly dark. I went no more near
the remarkable man who had so unhesitatingly pronounced a
judgment upon the adventures of his soul on this earth. The
voice was gone. What else had been there? But I am of course
aware that next day the pilgrims buried something in a muddy
hole.
"And then they very nearly buried me.
"However, as you see, I did not go to
join Kurtz there and then. I did not. I remained to dream
the nightmare out to the end, and to show my loyalty to
Kurtz once more. Destiny. My destiny! Droll thing life
is — that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a
futile purpose. The most you can hope from it is some
knowledge of yourself — that comes too late — a crop of
unextinguishable regrets. I have wrestled with death. It is
the most unexciting contest you can imagine. It takes place
in an impalpable greyness, with nothing underfoot, with
nothing around, without spectators, without clamour, without
glory, without the great desire of victory, without the
great fear of defeat, in a sickly atmosphere of tepid
scepticism, without much belief in your own right, and still
less in that of your adversary. If such is the form of
ultimate wisdom, then life is a greater riddle than some of
us think it to be. I was within a hair's-breadth of the last
opportunity for pronouncement, and I found with humiliation
that probably I would have nothing to say. That is the
reason why I affirm that Kurtz was a remarkable man. He had
something to say. He said it. Since I had peeped over the
edge myself, I understand better the meaning of his stare,
that could not see the flame of the candle, but was wide
enough to embrace the whole universe, piercing enough to
penetrate all the hearts that beat in the darkness. He had
summed up — he had judged. 'The horror!' He was a remarkable
man. After all, this was the expression of some sort of
belief. It had candour, it had conviction, it had a
vibrating note of revolt in its whisper, it had the
appalling face of a glimpsed truth — the strange commingling
of desire and hate. And it is not my own extremity I
remember best — a vision of greyness without form filled with
physical pain, and a careless contempt for the evanescence
of all things — even of this pain itself. No! It is his
extremity that I seem to have lived through. True, he had
made that last stride, he had stepped over the edge, while I
had been permitted to draw back my hesitating foot. And
perhaps in this is the whole difference; perhaps all the
wisdom, and all truth, and all sincerity, are just
compressed into that inappreciable moment of time in which
we step over the threshold of the invisible. Perhaps! I like
to think my summing-up would not have been a word of
careless contempt. Better his cry — much better. It was an
affirmation, a moral victory paid for by innumerable
defeats, by abominable terrors, by abominable satisfactions.
But it was a victory. That is why I have remained loyal to
Kurtz to the last, and even beyond, when long time after I
heard once more, not his own voice, but the echo of his
magnificent eloquence thrown to me from a soul as
translucently pure as a cliff of crystal.
"No, they did not bury me, though there
is a period of time which I remember mistily, with a
shuddering wonder, like a passage through some inconceivable
world that had no hope in it and no desire. I found myself
in the sepulchral city resenting the sight of people
hurrying through the streets to filch a little money from
each other or to devour their infamous cookery, to gulp
their unwholesome beer, to dream their insignificant and
silly dreams. They trespassed upon my thoughts. They were
intruders whose knowledge of life was to me an irritating
pretence, because I felt so sure they could not possibly
know the things I knew; and their bearing, which was simply
the bearing of commonplace individuals going about their
business in the assurance of perfect safety, was offensive
to me like the outrageous flauntings of folly in the face of
a danger it is unable to comprehend. I had no particular
desire to enlighten them, but I had some difficulty in
restraining myself from laughing in their faces, so full of
stupid importance. I daresay I was not very well at that
time. I tottered about the streets — there were various
affairs to settle — grinning bitterly at perfectly
respectable persons. I admit my behaviour was inexcusable,
but then my temperature was seldom normal in these days. My
dear aunt's endeavours to 'nurse up my strength' seemed
altogether beside the mark. It was not my strength that
wanted nursing, it was my imagination that wanted soothing.
I kept the bundle of papers given me by Kurtz, not knowing
exactly what to do with it. His mother had died lately,
watched over, as I was told, by his Intended. A clean-shaved
man, with an official manner and wearing gold-rimmed
spectacles, called on me one day and made inquiries, at
first circuitous, afterwards suavely pressing, about what he
was pleased to denominate certain 'documents.' I was not
surprised, because I had two rows with the manager on the
subject out there. I had refused to give up the smallest
scrap out of that package to him, and I took the same
attitude with the spectacled man. He became darkly menacing
at last, and with much heat argued that the Company had the
right to every bit of information about their 'territories.'
And, said he, 'Mr Kurtz's knowledge of unexplored regions
must have been necessarily extensive and peculiar — owing to
his great abilities and to the deplorable circumstances in
which he had been placed: therefore ——' I assured him Mr
Kurtz's knowledge, however extensive, did not bear upon the
problems of commerce or administration. He invoked then the
name of science. 'It would be an incalculable loss if,'
&c., &c. I offered him the report on the
'Suppression of Savage Customs,' with the postscriptum torn
off. He took it up eagerly, but ended by sniffing at it with
an air of contempt. 'This is not what we had a right to
expect,' he remarked. 'Expect nothing else,' I said. 'There
are only private letters.' He withdrew upon some threat of
legal proceedings, and I saw him no more; but another
fellow, calling himself Kurtz's cousin, appeared two days
later, and was anxious to hear all the details about his
dear relative's last moments. Incidentally he gave me to
understand that Kurtz had been essentially a great musician.
'There was the making of an immense success,' said the man,
who was an organist, I believe, with lank grey hair flowing
over a greasy coat-collar. I had no reason to doubt his
statement; and to this day I am unable to say what was
Kurtz's profession, whether he ever had any — which was the
greatest of his talents. I had thought him a painter who
wrote for the papers, or a journalist who could paint — but
even the cousin (who took snuff during the interview) could
not tell me what he had been — exactly. He was a universal
genius — on that point I agreed with the old chap, who
thereupon blew his nose noisily into a large cotton
handkerchief and withdrew in senile agitation, bearing off
some family letters and memoranda without importance.
Ultimately a journalist anxious to know something of the
fate of his 'dear colleague' turned up. This visitor
informed me Kurtz's real sphere ought to have been politics
'on the popular side.' He had furry straight eyebrows,
bristly hair cropped short, an eye-glass on a broad ribbon,
and, becoming expansive, confessed his opinion that Kurtz
couldn't write a bit — 'but heavens! how that man could talk!
He electrified large meetings. He had faith — don't you
see? — he had the faith. He could believe anything — anything.
He would have been a splendid leader of an extreme party.'
'What party?' I asked. 'Any party,' answered the other. 'He
was an — an — extremist.' Did I not think so? I assented. Did
I know, he asked, with a sudden flash of curiosity, 'what
induced him to go out there?' 'Yes,' said I, and forthwith
handed him the famous Report for publication, if he thought
fit. He glanced through it hurriedly, mumbling all the time,
judged 'it would do,' and took himself off with this
plunder.
"Thus I was left at last with a slim
packet of letters and the girl's portrait. She struck me as
beautiful — I mean she had a beautiful expression. I know
that the sunlight can be made to lie too, yet that face on
paper seemed to be a reflection of truth itself. One felt
that no manipulation of light and pose could have conveyed
the delicate shade of truthfulness upon those features. She
looked out truthfully. She seemed ready to listen without
mental reservation, without suspicion, without a thought for
herself. I concluded I would go and give her back her
portrait and those letters myself. Curiosity? Yes; and also
some other feeling perhaps. All that had been Kurtz's had
passed out of my hands: his soul, his body, his station, his
plans, his ivory, his career. There remained only his memory
and his Intended — and I wanted to give that up too to the
past, in a way, — to surrender personally all that remained
of him with me to that oblivion which is the last word of
our common fate. I don't defend myself. I had no clear
perception of what it was I really wanted. Perhaps it was an
impulse of unconscious loyalty, or the fulfilment of one of
those ironic necessities that lurk in the facts of human
existence. I don't know. I can't tell. But I went.
"I thought his memory was like other
memories of the dead that accumulate in every man's life, — a
vague impress on the brain of shadows that had fallen on it
in their swift and final passage; but before the high and
ponderous door, between the tall houses of a street as still
and decorous as a well-kept sepulchre, I had a vision of him
on the stretcher, opening his mouth voraciously, as if to
devour all the earth with all its mankind. He lived then
before me; he lived as much as he had ever lived — a shadow
insatiable of splendid appearances, of frightful realities;
a shadow darker than the shadow of the night, and draped
nobly in the folds of a gorgeous eloquence. The vision
seemed to enter the house with me — the stretcher, the
phantom-bearers, the wild crowd of obedient worshippers; the
gloom of the forests; the glitter of the reach between the
murky bends; the beat of the drum, regular and muffled like
the beating of a heart — the heart of a conquering darkness.
It was a moment of triumph for the wilderness, an invading
and vengeful rush which, it seemed to me, I would have to
keep back alone for the salvation of another soul. And the
memory of what I had heard him say afar there, with the
horned shapes stirring at my back, in the glow of fires,
within the patient woods, those broken phrases came back to
me, were heard again in their ominous and terrifying
simplicity: 'I have lived — supremely!' 'What do you want
here? I have been dead — and damned.' 'Let me go — I want more
of it.' More of what? More blood, more heads on stakes, more
adoration, rapine, and murder. I remembered his abject
pleading, his abject threats, the colossal scale of his vile
desires, the meanness, the torment, the tempestuous anguish
of his soul. And later on his collected languid manner, when
he said one day, 'This lot of ivory now is really mine. The
Company did not pay for it. I collected it myself at my
personal risk. I am afraid they will claim it as theirs. It
is a difficult case. What do you think I ought to
do — resist? Eh? I want no more than justice.' He wanted no
more than justice. No more than justice. I rang the bell
before a mahogany door on the first floor, and while I
waited he seemed to stare at me out of the gleaming
panel — stare with that wide and immense stare embracing,
condemning, loathing all the universe. I seemed to hear the
whispered cry, 'The horror! The horror!'
"The dusk was falling. I had to wait in
a lofty drawing-room with three long windows from floor to
ceiling that were like three luminous and bedraped columns.
The bent gilt legs and backs of the furniture shone in
indistinct curves. The tall marble fireplace had a cold and
heavy whiteness. A grand piano stood massively in a corner,
with dark gleams on the flat surfaces like a sombre and
polished sarcophagus. A high door opened — closed. I rose.
"She came forward, all in black, with a
pale head, floating towards me in the dusk. She was in
mourning. It was more than a year since his death, more than
a year since the news came; she seemed as though she would
remember and mourn for ever. She took both my hands in hers
and murmured, 'I had heard you were coming.' I noticed she
was not very young — I mean not girlish. She had a mature
capacity for fidelity, for belief, for suffering. The room
seemed to have grown darker, as if all the sad light of the
cloudy evening had taken refuge on her forehead. This fair
hair, this pale visage, this pure brow, seemed surrounded by
an ashy halo from which the dark eyes looked out at me.
Their glance was guileless, profound, confident, and
trustful. She carried her sorrowful head as though she were
proud of that sorrow, as though she would say, I — I alone
know how to mourn for him as he deserves. But while we were
still shaking hands, such a look of awful desolation came
upon her face that I perceived she was one of those
creatures that are not the playthings of Time. For her he
had died only yesterday. And, by Jove! the impression was so
powerful that for me too he seemed to have died only
yesterday — nay, this very minute. I saw her and him in the
same instant of time — his death and her sorrow. I saw her
sorrow in the very moment of his death. It was too terrible
Do you understand? I saw them together — I heard them
together. She had said, with a deep catch of the breath, 'I
have survived'; while my strained ears seemed to hear
distinctly, mingled with her tone of despairing regret, the
summing-up whisper of his eternal condemnation. I asked
myself what I was doing there, with a sensation of panic in
my heart as though I had blundered into a place of cruel and
absurd mysteries not fit for a human being to behold. I
wanted to get out. She motioned me to a chair. We sat down.
I laid the packet gently on the little table, and she put
her hand over it. 'You knew him well,' she murmured, after a
moment of mourning silence.
"'Intimacy grows quickly out there,' I
said. 'I knew him as well as it is possible for one man to
know another.'
"'And you admired him,' she said. 'It
was impossible to know him and not to admire him. Was it?'
"'He was a remarkable man,' I said,
unsteadily. Then before the appealing fixity of her gaze,
that seemed to watch for more words on my lips, I went on,
'It was impossible not to ——'
"'Love him,' she finished eagerly,
silencing me into an appalled dumbness. 'How true! how true!
But when you think that no one knew him so well as I! I had
all his noble confidence. I knew him best.'
"'You knew him best,' I repeated. And
perhaps she did. But I fancied that with every word spoken
the room was growing darker, and only her forehead, smooth
and white, remained illumined by the unextinguishable light
of belief and love.
"'You were his friend,' she went on.
'His friend,' she repeated, a little louder. 'You must have
been, if he had given this to you, and sent you to me. I
feel I can speak to you — oh! I must speak. I want you — you
who have heard his last words — to know I have been worthy of
him.... It is not pride.... Yes! I am proud to know I
understood him better than any one on earth — he said so
himself. And since his mother died I have had no one — no
one — to — to ——
"I listened. The darkness deepened. I
was not even sure whether he had given me the right bundle.
I rather suspect he wanted me to take care of another batch
of his papers which, after his death, I saw the manager
examining under the lamp. But in the box I had brought to
his bedside there were several packages pretty well all
alike, all tied with shoe-strings, and probably he had made
a mistake. And the girl talked, easing her pain in the
certitude of my sympathy; she talked as thirsty men drink. I
had heard that her engagement with Kurtz had been
disapproved generally. He wasn't rich enough or something.
And indeed I don't know whether he had not been a pauper all
his life. He had given me some reason to infer that it was
his impatience of comparative poverty that drove him out
there.
"'. . . Who was not his friend who had
heard him speak once?' she was saying. 'He drew men towards
him by what was best in them.' She looked at me with
intensity. 'It is the gift of the great,' she went on, and
the sound of her low voice seemed to have the accompaniment
of all the other sounds, full of mystery, desolation, and
sorrow, I had ever heard — the ripple of the river, the
soughing of the trees swayed by the wind, the murmurs of
wild crowds, the faint ring of incomprehensible words cried
from afar, the whisper of a voice speaking from beyond the
threshold of an eternal darkness. 'But you have heard him!
You know!' she cried.
"'Yes, I know,' I said with something
like despair in my heart, but bowing my head before the
faith that was in her, before that great and saving illusion
that shone with an unearthly glow in the darkness, in the
triumphant darkness from which I could not have defended
her — from which I could not even defend myself.
"'What a loss to me — to us!' — she
corrected herself with beautiful generosity; then added in a
murmur, 'To the world.' By the last gleams of twilight I
could see the glitter of her eyes, full of tears — of tears
that would not fall.
"'I have been very happy — very
fortunate — very proud,' she went on. 'Too fortunate. Too
happy for a little while. And now I am unhappy for — for
life.'
"She stood up; her fair hair seemed to
catch all the remaining light in a glimmer of gold. I rose
too.
"'And of all this,' she went on
mournfully, 'of all his promise, and of all his greatness,
of his generous mind, of his noble heart, nothing
remains — nothing but a memory. You and I ——'
"'We shall always remember him,' I said,
hastily.
"'No!' she cried. 'It is impossible that
all this should be lost — that such a life should be
sacrificed to leave nothing — but sorrow. You know he had
vast plans. I knew them too — I could not perhaps
understand, — but others knew of them. Something must remain.
His words, at least, have not died.'
"'His words will remain,' I said.
"'And his example,' she whispered to
herself. 'Wherever he went men looked up to him, — his
goodness shone in every act. His example ——
"'True,' I said; 'his example too. Yes,
his example. I forgot that.'
"'But I do not. I cannot — I cannot
believe — not yet. I cannot believe that I shall never see
him again, that nobody will see him again, never, never,
never.'
"She put out her arms as if after a
retreating figure, stretching them black and with clasped
pale hands across the fading and narrow sheen of the window.
Never see him. I saw him clearly enough then. I shall see
this eloquent phantom as long as I live, and I shall see her
too, a tragic and familiar Shade, resembling in this gesture
another one, tragic also, and bedecked with powerless
charms, stretching bare brown arms over the glitter of the
infernal stream, the stream of darkness. She said suddenly
very low, 'He died as he lived.'
"'His end,' said I, with dull anger
stirring in me, 'was in every way worthy of his life.'
"'And I was not with him,' she murmured.
My anger subsided before a feeling of infinite pity.
"'Everything that could be done ——' I
mumbled.
"'Ah, but I believed in him more than
any one on earth — more than his own mother, more
than — himself. He needed me! Me! I would have treasured
every sigh, every murmur, every word, every sign, every
glance.'
"I felt like a chill grip on my chest.
'Don't,' I said, in a muffled voice.
"'Forgive me. I — I — have mourned so long
in silence — in silence.... You were with him — to the last? I
think of his loneliness. Nobody near to understand him as I
would have understood. Perhaps no one to hear . . .'
"'To the very end,' I said shakily. 'I
heard his very last words....' I stopped in a fright.
"'Repeat them,' she said in a
heart-broken tone. 'I want — I
want — something — something — to — to live with.'
"I was on the point of crying at her,
'Don't you hear them?' The dusk was repeating them in a
persistent whisper all around us, in a whisper that seemed
to swell menacingly like the first whisper of a rising wind.
'The horror! The horror!'
"'His last word — to live with,' she
murmured. 'Don't you understand I loved him — I loved him — I
loved him!'
"I pulled myself together and spoke
slowly.
"'The last word he pronounced was — your
name.'
"I heard a light sigh, and then my heart
stood still, stopped dead short by an exulting and terrible
cry, by the cry of inconceivable triumph and of unspeakable
pain. 'I knew it — I was sure!' She knew. She was sure. I
heard her weeping, her face in her hands. It seemed to me
that the house would collapse before I could escape, that
the heavens would fall upon my head. But nothing happened.
The heavens do not fall for such a trifle. Would they have
fallen, I wonder, if I had rendered Kurtz that justice which
was his due? Hadn't he said he wanted only justice? But I
couldn't. I could not tell her. It would have been too
dark — too dark altogether. . . ."
Marlow ceased, and sat apart, indistinct and
silent, in the pose of a meditating Buddha. Nobody moved for
a time. "We have lost the first of the ebb," said
the Director, suddenly. I looked around. The offing was
barred by a black bank of clouds, and the tranquil waterway
leading to the uttermost ends of the earth flowed sombre
under an overcast sky — seemed to lead also into the heart of
an immense darkness.
(The end.)
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(Prepared by Cindy Kogut in 1997)